Las Vegas is quickly becoming the Hollywood A-listers’ playground. Are you excited to return to Sin City?
I’m not just coming to Vegas, I’m coming Thanksgiving Saturday! What kind of crowd is that going to bring? I’m hoping to get people that have just had it with their families and relatives. The great thing about playing Caesars is, you know, because of your unique diversity, you can just let it fly as a comedian. It’s a no-holds-barred situation. Do not bring the kids!
You’re again performing in the famed Colosseum—once home to Elton, Bette and Celine. You’ve probably heard of their current resident act...
I will be in the house of Cher! It’s really funny because I’m going to do the Jimmy Kimmel show to promote the Caesars show, and the premiere of Burlesque is across the street. Jimmy said I can run across, do the red carpet, see Cher, run back, do Jimmy Kimmel’s show, and then run back and see the rest of the movie. If anybody was following me on Monday, they would see me in Karl Lagerfeld’s cocktail dress and crazy super high heels, like Paula Abdul, just crossing the street over and over.
A handful of celebrities haven’t been so lucky out here in Vegas—Paris Hilton, Cy Waits, OJ—what do you think about that trend?
Just so you know, I absolutely want to get arrested that weekend. You need to have a good mug shot, so I’ll probably spend a few hours in hair and makeup. Then I’ll drive up and down the Strip with as many drugs as I can. I’ll probably steal a couple of boxes of wine from my mom, and then I’ll have Sizzurp—it’s, like, the rapper’s drink of choice. It’s apparently cough syrup with grape Fanta and Jolly Ranchers in a Styrofoam cup with a straw. So I’m going to drive around with a Big Gulp of Sizzurp, probably some black tar heroin, tons and tons of pot—I want to get like four times the smoke of Paris Hilton’s car—and also maybe a dead body in the trunk. I want to make sure I get a good Charlie Sheen, full-blown arrest. And as a California resident, I’ll have to go back for the trial, where I’ll wear the big Dynasty hat with the veil!
What new material can your November 27 audience look forward to?
Well, there’s so much going on that I can’t keep up. I’m kind of the Nancy Grace of comedians where everything is breaking news to me. I’m just trying to keep up on all the celebrity mishaps, as well as the political mishaps. And also, who knows what crazy TV shows people are into? Like Jersey Shore and Sister Wives—I like talking about Sister Wives.
Speaking of political mishaps, did you happen to follow the Nevada Senate race this time around?
And what exactly did you think of Sharron Angle?
Sharron Angle is a comedian’s dream. She is the type of politician that I can just pull a few of her quotes and read them…In the day and age of cell phones and video cameras, nobody is getting off easy anymore. Half the time you can just look at their direct quotes, and then I try to put a spin on them. You know, it’s funny seeing these politicians being caught doing a lot of the same behavior that we really thought was only reserved for the Lohans.
Yes, the Lohans must make your job easy at times! Who is your favorite celebrity to bag on?
It’s whoever has behaved in an outrageous way lately. Honestly, the dude from Sister Wives is perfect. He just seems like such a tool and the fact that he’s got these four women clamoring over him and 16 kids or whatever, I mean that is just instant hilarity to me. Then you have someone like Charlie Sheen who’s making $1.4 million per episode and trashing hotel rooms with women that really don’t want to be called “hookers” when they’re porn stars. And then you have Sharron Angle, and like I said—I can just pull some quotes. When you see the live show, I think that’s definitely what people expect and that’s really what I like to do. I think you want to hear about what happened that day, that week, that month. That’s why I love to tour so much. I don’t know who’s going to be in jail when, I don’t know who’s going to have the latest mug shot, who’s going to be caught having an affair with someone in their trailer. But you know, there’s always something!
As they are potential material, do celebrities keep their guard up around you now?
I think because of the D List and now that I’ve been doing so many specials, I actually get a lot more celebrities that have a sense of humor about it. Like Cher, who I then put in one of my specials. I only want to be Rickles. You can tell in four seconds that he’s just a complete sweetheart, but his act is hilarious and he doesn’t hold back. That’s why he’s a role model for me. I still like to piss them off, but you know, a few of them are coming around and getting that it’s a joke.
You say straight men cause you trouble, but you’re all about the gays. If you could be a gay man or a lesbian, what would you choose?
God, I would be so good at both! I have a problem being a heterosexual woman because I just can’t figure straight guys out. They’re like aliens to me. I would be a really good gay guy because I speak gay—I’m bilingual! But I also think I’d be a good lesbian because I know what women want.
As for current events, I’m very happy Ricky Martin finally decided to come out. What are your thoughts?
I am too...I thought it was interesting that Portia DeRossi said it was a good time to come out. I kind of agree. I feel really strongly that people should come out in their own time and in their own way. It was certainly riveting watching and hearing Ricky Martin’s story, which was so different. What brought him to that decision was really interesting. But here’s the weird thing, why do I still want to have vaginal sex with him? I can’t help it. I still have a dream that with the right amount of Sizzyrup and Propofol I could have him. I’m not the only one with that dream, don’t act like I’m the first person to think “How can I drug Ricky Martin to have sex with him?”