ARIES (March 20-April 18)

I have coined a new word just for your horoscope this week. It’s “zex,” short for “zen sex.” Zex is a kind of sex in which your mind is at rest, empty of all thoughts. You are completely detached from the sensual pleasure you are experiencing. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Zex may be fine to practice at any other time, but not these days. The style of sex you need most is exuberant, unbridled, expansive and even zany.

TAURUS (April 19-May 19)

In Somalia, there’s a law that forbids you from putting your used chewing gum on your nose and walking around in public. Fortunately, you don’t live there, so it’s fine if you want to do that. APRIL FOOL! I lied. You should definitely not take yourself too seriously this week; you should look for opportunities to playfully lose your dignity and razz the status quo. But there are craftier ways to do that than by sticking gum on your nose.

GEMINI (May 20-June 19)

Tata Massage is a salon in San Francisco that provides an unusual beauty treatment: face-slapping. The Thai masseuse named Tata claims to be improving your complexion as she smacks your cheeks and forehead with her hands. I highly recommend it. APRIL FOOL! You should be absolutely firm that you won’t tolerate whacks and wallops—including the psychological kind—even if they are supposedly good for you.

CANCER (June 20-July 21)

Launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend that will last a thousand years. APRIL FOOL! Producing something that will last a thousand years is too ambitious. How about if you simply launch a new tradition or instigate a fresh trend or create a beautiful thing that will last for the rest of your long life—an amazing marvel or useful innovation or unique creation that will continue to teach and amuse you all along the way?

LEO (July 22-August 21)

Your patron saint for the next three months is surrealistic artist Salvador Dali. In fact, you might want to spout some of his famous declarations as if they were your own. Start with these: 1. “The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.” 2. “I do not take drugs; I am drugs.” APRIL FOOL! I lied. Salvador Dali is your patron saint, role model and muse for only the next 14 days, not three months.

VIRGO (August 22- September 21)

St. Brigit, a sixth-century Irish nun, was legendary. When visitors came to her monastery in Kildare, she changed her old bathwater into beer. I think there’s a good chance you will develop that precise talent sometime soon. APRIL FOOL! You won’t really possess St. Brigit’s supernatural power. However, you will have an uncanny ability to make transmutations that are almost as dramatic as changing bathwater to beer.

LIBRA (August 22- September 21)

The band Rush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last May. For the two minutes he spoke, guitarist Alex Lifeson repeated one word endlessly: “Blah.” This is the spirit you should bring to all of your important conversations in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! It’s crucial for you to speak very precisely and articulately in the coming week. Say exactly what you mean. Don’t rely on meaningless bullsh*t like “blah-blah.”

SCORPIO (October 22- November 20)

When a human embryo begins to develop, the very first body part that appears is the anus. This scientific fact led QI.com to declare that “Every human being starts out as an a**hole.” You now have an unprecedented chance to transform the a**hole aspects of your personality. APRIL FOOL! You’re not an a**hole. But it is true that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to try to fix your least attractive qualities.

SAGITTARIUS (November 21- December 20)

To be in strict compliance with cosmic necessity, you should attend a party every day in the coming week. Dance ecstatically, make love abundantly and expose yourself to previously unknown pleasures. Make sure you experience record levels of sensual enjoyment, nonstop excitement and dynamic socializing. APRIL FOOL! I’m exaggerating, although just a little. Try doing a 70-percent version of what I advised.

CAPRICORN (December 21-January 19)

Lifehacker.com has a step-by-step guide to set up your home as a command center. Do it, Capricorn! APRIL FOOL! But you would be wise to make your home into more of an ultra-comfortable, super-inspiring sanctuary—a place where you feel so safe and strong and smart that you will always have total power over yourself, and never feel driven to fulfill anyone else’s standards of success but your own.

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18)

The planetary omens suggest that you need to experience all possible flavors of Doritos. Here’s the problem: The place where you live offers only a limited range. That’s why I urge you to drop everything and travel to Japan, which is the world leader in Dorito variety. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, you will benefit from communing with a wide variety of sensations and experiences and ideas in many areas of your life, not just Doritos.

PISCES (February 19-March 19)

According to a survey by Public Policy Polling, 4 percent believe “shape-shifting reptilian people control our world by taking on human form and gaining political power to manipulate our societies.” Now is a good time to intensify your fight against them. APRIL FOOL! I strongly encourage you NOT to feed your paranoid delusions and fearful reveries. This should be a time when you bolster your positive fantasies and inspiring dreams.