With more and more government functions being grouped under “czars”—to improve efficiency and accountability, just as in imperial Russia—it’s clearly time the concept filtered down to the local level. A few Vegas-specific suggestions:
BORDER CZAR: Responsible for all policies pertaining to the number of Utahns allowed in.
REAL-ESTATE CZAR: Coordinates panic, searches for “bottom,” hangs foreclosure signs.
PROSTITUTION CZAR: 1. Handles policies related to escorts, ensures continued use of euphemism for a practice that absolutely does not occur in Clark County.
2. Oversees government ethics panels.
CZAR OF DON’T YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR GODDAMN TIME?: Oversees disputes between the R-J’s Sherman Frederick and Sen. Harry Reid.
INTELLIGENCE CZAR: Oh, you’re funny.
GAMBLING CZAR: Keeps dealers in their place, diverts tips for lavish parties hosted by annoying reality-show stars.
ECONOMIC-DEVELOPMENT CZAR: Mostly sits on ass and wonders how he can become gambling czar.
GRAFFITI CZAR: Coordinates efforts to cover large buildings with giant advertisements; cuts thumbs off of taggers.
WATER CZAR: Fetches coffee for Water Empress Pat Mulroy.