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Help wanted: Weekly’s personal ad for UNLV’s next president

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UNLV president Neal Smatresk announced this week his departure for a new presidential position at the University of North Texas.
Photo: Christopher DeVargas

Wanted: Up-and-coming urban university in Las Vegas seeks distinguished individual with good hair and a Ph.D. to lead it into total domination of higher education in the West.

Requirements: Must have a circle of powerful friends with deep pockets (bonus points if Steve Wynn is among them and willing to teach at the Hotel College) and political influence (bonus points if Harry Reid is among them and willing to teach everybody how to box). Must have a strong vision for a highly livable campus with a Capriotti’s outpost, a 24-hour library/restaurant/roller rink and emergency call boxes that can be found/reached without having to run a mile in an actual emergency. Speaking of runs, must be open to the establishment of a campus-wide Undie Run (UNR does one, and since Vegas has always been better than Reno at underwear-related festivities, we should make it official). Must love mustaches and be into stroking them to taunt the school’s enemies, not to mention looking past its mascot’s questionable Civil War-era politics. Must have a strategy for hitting back at the Smith Center on behalf of Ham Hall, possibly with a makeover in the style of Henderson’s Galaxy Luxury+ Theatre—reclining seats make any symphony better. Must be into raising standards for admissions (and football).

Bonus: Plans to swap Nevada Day for a guaranteed student holiday on Halloween a plus. And it never hurts to have some Sinatra songs on standby for those spontaneous karaoke sessions with the Board of Regents.

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Erin Ryan

Erin got her first newspaper job in 2002 thanks to a campfire story about Bigfoot. In her award-winning work for ...

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