The angry singleton’s guide to Valentine’s Day revenge

Are you or someone you know suffering from single-on-Valentine’s Day syndrome? No need to worry; I have some fail-safe remedies to eliminate your loneliness and bitter discontentment on the mother of all invented holidays. See, I'm an “expert” at celebrating Valentine’s Day solo; I’ve been single for 26 straight V Day’s and counting. But no depression for me. No sir. Use these tips as your go-to guide for self-satisfaction on February 14, and turn that frown over, ya know, so it becomes one of those concave expressions that signify happiness.

- Why put up with the stress of looking for the perfect gift for your girlfriend or boyfriend? With the money you’re saving by being single, you can afford all sorts of gifts for yourself. You can buy them in six, 12, 18, 20, 24 and 30-pack varieties.

Tip: These gifts usually resurface later in the night, most often in the same form they were enjoyed.

- Instead of a romantic, intimate, candlelit dinner with your loved one, go to Madame Tussaud’s and look at the wax statues with a hooker you picked up in North Las Vegas.

Tip: It is not polite to poke the statues. Your date, however….

- You may be thinking about filling up the tub with some warm water and bubbles, sitting back with a glass of wine and maybe reading a passage from your favorite book of poetry. You should really just stop thinking about doing that, and do something else.

Tip: Seriously, just stop.

- Sure, it would be nice to receive some chocolates from somebody special in your life. They could be in a box, a fancy bag or simply in the form of a nice brownie or bar of fudge. Don’t get down; buy yourself a bag of M&Ms and pretend you’re a huge monster, and the M&Ms are people. Then go on a murderous rampage, eating those who are smaller than you, stomping around, snorting and kicking over miniature cars, depending on how serious you want to get into it.

Tip: Pretending the brown ones are African-Americans does not make you a racist as long as you smash the blue people with equal vigor.

- Flowers are a common purchase for guys who totally forgot it was Valentine’s Day until the last possible moment. Well, just think of how much fun you could have if, instead of buying pretty flowers that smell good, you smeared your hands in Crisco, put a blindfold over your eyes, then tried to chop an onion for some chili without cutting your hands.

Tip: Chicks dig scars.

- One of the upshots that I’ve heard comes from being in a relationship is making sweet, sweet love. Since you won’t be doing any of that, here’s something you can do besides getting laid: It’s called “basket-weaving.” I suggest this activity because it will keep your hands occupied, thus eliminating the occurrence of what I have come to know as the “V-day Groin Rash.”

Tip: Hand Check! (Ha! Gotcha!)

- Lots of people like to pop in a smooth jazz album or some light R&B and set the mood with dimmed lights, maybe even try some slow dancing next to a Zen garden they bought at Hobby Lobby for $20. I urge you to get into a mood, however, by listening to nothing but NPR podcasts then performing interpretive dances according to the issue they’re talking about.

Tip: For example, every time they talk about the bad economy, slam your face into a hard surface repeatedly until you black out.

- Instead of taking it easy at home since you’re single, throw a huge party in your mouth. Everyone’s invited! Your guest list should include, but isn’t exclusive to, your close personal friends Jack, Jim, Johnny, Jose and Jameson.

Tip: Your ex is not invited to the party in your mouth, no matter how many times she has been invited to your mouth parties in the past after your other friends have stopped by.

- When I think of things synonymous with Valentine’s Day I think of those little candy hearts that say things like “be mine,” “kiss me” or “hug me” on them. These powdery little pieces of affection are too contrived, too unoriginal and too lame. All you need to do to is write down how you feel on some slips of paper, put those pieces of paper in a bowl, then take some gasoline and set fire to that bowl. Your feelings aren’t welcome here or “your feelings don’t matter, and no, you can’t have a hug,” as my dad would say.

Tip: Mumble, “I love you, dad” and remember: Feelings are extremely flammable; stand back.