Every year come Super Bowl time, a fattened cash cow goes trotting down the Las Vegas Strip. The bovine goes by the name of Prop Bets, the lines based on certain occurrences that break down the game into the minutest details, and this weekend he’s about to take a money dump on Las Vegas soil.
Tourists and locals alike will be betting on everything from who will score the first touchdown to how many rushing yards the second-string running back will rush for, but here at the Weekly we’d like to risk our hard earned cash on some more interesting wagers. Here are the prop bets we’d like to see for Super Bowl XLIII:
2:1 – Ben Roethlisberger is referred to as “Big Ben,” or John Madden and Al Michaels say that “Big Ben” got “clocked” after taking a big hit.
3:1 – If the Cardinals win, Kurt Warner thanks “God for his Godly Godness. Go God-inals! Uh, I mean Cardinals.”
5:1 – Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin gets mistaken for the other black coach on the sidelines. Or Omar Epps.
5:2 – The kickers on either team are considered relevant.
7:3 – Aeneus Williams tries to secretly suit up and play defensive back for the Cardinals.
10:1 – A drunken Dennis Miller shows up before the game, yelling and screaming at John Madden and Al Michaels that they’re going to rue the day they let him go, much like the Manigolds of the Terkarian Era regretted defying the Theodonians from entering the forbidden Ark of Hazelton.
12:1 – Referee Ed Hochuli will inadvertently chop Troy Polamalu’s head off when he motions for a first down after an interception by the Steelers. Polamalu will go on to win Super Bowl MVP with 13 tackles and a forced fumble after the decapitation.
23:1 – During the pre-game show, Keith Olberman starts a rant that lasts until just before kick-off, when Bob Costas finally punches him in the face.
40:1 – Cardinals Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt changes his name to “Ken ‘likes to win’ Whisenawesome” before the game to pump up his team.
50:1 – Bruce Springsteen sings his lesser-known hit “Streets of Crested Butte” at halftime in a performance-killing move only made worse by his insistence on shaking his ass in really tight jeans.
86:1 – The ceremonial coin toss at the beginning of the game is replaced with the ceremonial “paper, rock, scissors” match. Best out of three, of course.
100:1 – Matt Leinart interrupts the post-game show to yell at Terry Bradshaw about how great he was at USC, and “remember that game against Texas? It was, like, an awesome game, dude. Hey, I used to date L.C. from that MTV show Laguna Beach, too. Remember that?”
500:1 – NBC airs commercials for their new crime drama Ice Cold, in which a Caveman who was frozen in ice is uncovered, becomes a detective and discovers he can see murders, though only when he’s committing them.
5,000:1 – Ed Reed, despite not even being at the game, still scores a defensive touchdown.
10,000:1 – As a side effect of being able to catch everything, Larry Fitzgerald literally catches Super Bowl Fever, and is unable to play in the game.
300,000:1 – After criticism for their “drinkability” ads, Bud Light runs commercials for their new campaign, boasting that their beer is now 100 percent more liquidy-er.
1,000,000:1 – The Cardinals win the Super Bowl. Come on, it’s the Cardinals!