Hitting on waitresses with funny man David Spade

David Spade admits he’s “kind of turned into a Vegas guy” – even if he is a self-described “old man.”

He’s been performing in Vegas for years – his last stint was in January – and the 44-year-old comedian returns to the Venetian on April 2 for the first of a dozen sure-to-be-funny engagements this year.

After performing (and partying) in Las Vegas for years, Spade’s reputation as one of L.A’s most notorious party boys has transcended the California-Nevada line.

“We went (to Tao) twice out of my three nights … and it was great,” he says of his last trip to Vegas.

Still, the actor-comedian says his legacy as a ladies’ man is more sizzle than steak.

When asked who has the more impressive numbers as a lady-killer, he or fellow female connoisseur Jeremy Piven, of Entourage fame, Spade insists Piven comes out on top – “by a long shot.”

“I’m basically a dinner guy and that’s the fun,” he says. “The actual (partying) after 11 is too rough, so it’s now and then, but it’s not my nightly thing,” he says.

“I have not stayed out past 1 (a.m.) in Vegas in the last few years,” he assures. “I usually try to take it easy because I can’t keep up because I’m an old man and it’s hard to just go in and rage with these guys. … I get hungover too easily.”

“I’ve got to do an hour (-long show), and I can’t risk it feeling horribly shitty the next day,” he says, sounding oh-so-responsible over the phone from his home in L.A.

In fact, the comedian claims to hate the very sort of big Vegas nightclubs that he has partied at in the past.

While he admits he loves beautiful women and the friendly cocktail servers, he says the smoke, the loud music, and the lighting all piss him off – the nightclubs’ smoke machines especially.

“Someone told someone that if they blow smoke in your face it’s great,” he says, the annoyance in his voice apparent. “These smoke machines that, like, blast you.”

But it’s not just the fog that annoys the legendary funnyman. He thinks the music is awful, too.

“It’s super loud,” he says. “I’m like, ‘Let’s get all of our talking out of the way, because when we go there, we’re just going to stare into space and look at everybody, because you can’t talk’.

“If that’s not bad enough,” he continues, “they kick in some strobe lights to give you epilepsy, and then, after that, there’s some new smoke machine. … It’s like, here comes the smoke machine, bow, wow, house music! Here’s your glow stick! Oh! OK!

“They’re just finding new ways to see how tough you are, to go, ‘I still like it! This is still excellent!’”

He stops for a brief moment to catch his breath, then asks, “Has anyone ever stopped and gone, ‘This stuff is all horrible?!’”

When his question goes unanswered, he continues on.

“(The) hardest part for me is waiting until they open, ... these stupid clubs,” he says. “You have to wait until 11 to go out, it’s just crazy. That’s sometimes where they lose me.

“The bad news is when they get full – and that’s when everyone wants to go,” he says. “That’s usually when I split because once it gets bumper to bumper it’s so weird it’s not appealing.

“I can’t pull the Kim Kardashian life of Paris Hilton and everyone,” he says. “All these people like to sleep in, they go to the pool all day and then they nap and they go out all night.

A spry morning person, the Just Shoot Me funny man says late nights of Patron and Jack Daniels don’t mix with his a.m. routine.

“I get up at, like, 8:30 (a.m.), so that’s the first sign of trouble that I’m not fitting in well,” he says. “I feel like (a person is) kind of a loser, like, after 25, 30 years old, if you’re sleeping in ‘til 12."

Yet, Spade still manages to mix a little business with pleasure when he comes to Las Vegas. And so far he has liked what he has seen.

“You’re usually at least within shouting distance of someone cute who will talk to you,” he says. “(But) you don’t want to be walking up to tables like an asshole and hitting on girls.”

Lucky for him and his fellow lady-lovers, God invented table service and VIP hostesses.

Spade seems to follow the George Clooney-Michael Phelps doctrine when it comes to charming Las Vegas ladies: Stick to the serving staff.

“In Vegas, the waitresses are actually the prettiest girls,” he observes.

And, unlike regular clubgoers, “The waitresses have to talk to you,” he says with a laugh. “(And) if, over once or twice coming to a place, and you kind of know them a little bit … you can take them out – but they usually work every single night and then sleep in ‘til two in the afternoon.”

In addition to the sleep schedule, Spade says his performance schedule can also be romantic buzz kill for him and his potential service industry flames.

“They usually work on the nights I work,” he laments, “(and) then, when I leave, they have the beginning of the week off, so it doesn’t seem to synch up. … There’s a lot of ‘come see me at work,’ and I’m, like, ‘Great, I want to go sit there for, like, six hours.’

He admits the city is “not the ideal place to find the girl of your dreams.”

When it comes to love, Spade says he looks for it where others aren’t looking for him.

“I don’t go fishing when everyone’s watching,” he says. “It’s too weird. Plus, when you’re out at clubs … if you’re not going to smoke ‘em out and wait ‘til 5 a.m., then forget it.”

When it comes to closing the deal, he thinks the key is to do it away from the smoke, loud music and strobe-lighting.

“Ideally, if you’ve met somebody you like, you’d say, ‘Look, can we split and go anywhere else where we don’t have to scream at each other because it’s so fucking loud in here?’” and take it from there.

Despite all the how-to tips and girl talk, Spade knows there’s more to Vegas than T&A. In fact, he likes to hit the links before anything else.

“(I) try to get some golf in before it gets too hot,” he says. And his tee times tend to be pretty platonic.

“I usually try to golf with some buddies,” he explains, noting that the courses at Bali Hai, Shadow Creek and Wynn are among his favorites.

Beyond golf and the odd trip to a go-kart track, Spade says he is looking forward to taking in the Vegas pool scene in 2009.

“The pools are fun,” he says. “Sometimes I go to Bare pool (at the Mirage). … Bare is a little quieter, you can get a table.

“Not everyone’s topless -- that’s the trick -- but you know what the good thing is? No kids,” he says. “Some pools are just packed with families, so it’s like walking into the Beverly Center Mall.”

While he likes the laidback vibe at the adults-only pools, he says that scene, too, has its drawbacks and awkward moments.

“The humiliating thing for me is, like, when you get those beds, you know? At a certain point in my life I don’t think I can be laying on beds,” he says. “Brody Jenner can do that. I can’t do that.”

For a veteran actor-comedian, Spade is surprisingly sensitive when it comes to how he is perceived.

“The Web sites told me I’m fat and gross and maybe shouldn’t take my shirt off,” he sighs, “so I’m trying to listen to the people speak.”

The people have also been demanding another major motion picture from the acclaimed actor. Well, comedy fans rejoice: Spade and a handful of hilarious comics are about to come together, in the same spirit that brought us Tommy Boy, to give audiences what they’ve been wanting.

“It should be good, I think we’re going to Boston to do that in May,” Spade says.

The plot is both promising and simple: “It’s five guys who went to grade school (together) and now, 30 years later, they meet up at a funeral,” he reveals.

“It’s kind of a Big Chill feel,” he says. “We all grew up together, played basketball, and the coach says, you know, ‘Do something with your life because 30 years passes quickly,’ and then we all laugh at him. And then it’s 30 years later and we’re all doing our lives and we get the call that he (has died), and we’ve got to go to this small town for a funeral.”

When the group reunites after those years, the laughs ensue.

“We all come back to the town we grew up in, we all have our wives and families, and we decide to have a party at the lake house,” Spade says. “We all go up to the lake house, and it’s just a comedy after that. “

While the funeral in the film results in an unexpected school reunion for the characters, the film itself serves as a reunion for many members of the cast.

Several of Spade’s fellow Saturday Night Live alumni have signed on to the project.

“Kevin James, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock, and Adam Sandler and me are the five guys,” he says.

“Norm McDonald is in it, Salma Hayek is Adam’s (character’s) wife … Colin Quinn is the guy we used to hate in grade school,” he says, “(And) Maya Rudolph is Rock’s (character’s) wife.”

Spade says audiences can hope to see the yet-to-be-named comedy in theaters next spring.

Before then, however, Spade fans can catch the comic’s live and very funny show at the Venetian. He has seven 9 p.m. shows scheduled in April and five more in May.