On January 21, George W. Bush starts his new career as an ex-president. Historically, ex-presidents have used their first 100 days out of office to set the tone for all they hope to accomplish as formerly powerful world leaders. How will President Bush spend this time? Inside sources reveal he plans to focus on 10 key objectives:

1. Catch up on the evening news.

2. Alert Laura to upcoming Emergency Stimulus Act scheduled to take place on February 14, 2009. And possibly again on her birthday.

3. Replenish the coffers with exciting new Learning Annex course: Speed Nicknaming: Learn how to nickname at least 25 percent faster in just 1 class!!!

4. Make sure the George W. Bush Fantastic Freedom Institute Library at Southern Methodist University has a kick-ass roller coaster.

5. Practice spelling Fantastic Freedom Institute Library.

6. Cry on God’s shoulder. Or, when God doesn’t have time for that, on Rick Warren’s shoulder. Or, when Rick Warren doesn’t have time for that, on Scott Baio’s shoulder.

7. Organize No Low-Calorie Hot Dog Left Behind picnic to benefit childhood diabetes and freedom.

8. Craft exit strategy for small bag of Miss Beazley’s poop. (May require FEMA assistance.)

9. Bring freedom agenda to the Ridgewood Country Club golf course via massive weekend invasion.

10. Reform closet.