Michele Bachmann

Christian

What she believes: That wives should be submissive to their husbands, and that she pursued her degree in tax law only because her husband told her to.

What we believe: Aside from the misogynistic aftertaste of all this, we have one question: What is her husband going to tell her to do if she becomes president?

Rick Perry

Evangelical

What he believes: Receives support from the New Apostolic Reformation, which believes in the dominion of Christians over society and government.

What we believe: We know a few taxpaying agnostics, atheists, Hindus, Muslims and Jews who might have a little something to say about that.

Rick Santorum

Catholic

What he believes: Signed a pledge from The Family Leader, which stated, among other things, that black children who were born into slavery were better off than black children born today.

What we believe: That Rick Santorum either blindly signs sh*t without reading it or he’s just the stupidest man in the country. Either way, yuck.

Mitt Romney

Mormon

What he believes: Romney has never discussed his faith, saying he does not wish to impose his religious beliefs on others.

What we believe: Separating politics and religion? No way this guy’s going to get the Republican nomination!