Being drunk in Las Vegas is not a distinction. And wearing a T-shirt proclaiming it actually proclaims that you’re a douche. Unless that shirt was bestowed upon you at Dino’s—the mothership of all dive bars.

“I’ve had people try to buy one from me. Even my kids are always like, ‘Let me have one.’ I’m like, ‘No! I don’t even have one,’” swears Kristin Bartolo, granddaughter of Dino and owner of his awesomely dark, karaoke-loving namesake on the Boulevard. She says that winning Drunk of the Month—which includes the shirt and a portrait on the wall for a year, plus a chance to be named Drunk of the Year for another shirt and a $100 bar tab—isn’t about being a drunk-ass. “A lot of people on the wall don’t even drink. It’s really a popularity contest. … It’s almost like they have to campaign, like they’re running for prom queen or king.”

Bartolo says DOTM gets regulars bonding, regulars like the guy who drinks coffee there in the morning and beer there after work multiple times a week. You can’t be the chosen one twice, and the honor no longer comes with a reserved parking spot (the sign got stolen five times), but this is a label so coveted someone tried to pay Bartolo $300 for the shirt. “They’re not for sale. You have to earn it.”

Step 1: Go to Dino's. A lot.

Step 2: Get to know the bartenders.

Step 3: Get nominated by one of those bartenders.

Step 4: Spend the next month canvassing the bar with ballots for endorsements from other customers (who can only vote for one favorite out of six or seven hopefuls).

Step 5: Don't cheat. Dino's staffers definitely know the difference between a drunk signature and a pathetically forged scribble.

Step 6: Don't literally be an inebriated fool. That's the best way to lose a popularity contest, even at Dino's.

Dino's Lounge 1516 Las Vegas Blvd. S., 702-382-3894. 24/7.

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