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Lumbersexual healing: Does this creature of Instagram get you hot?

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Where do we draw the line between the lumbersexual and the lumberjack?

A dying breed, the lumberjack is being replaced by the lumbersexual: a metrosexual who cannot suppress his innate need and affection for rugged masculinity. This subspecies consists of hipsters and beautiful boys with strong, angled jawlines and thick, bountiful beards. However, their hands are smooth and soft, sacred, untouched by hard work. They may occasionally sprain a finger coding on their MacBook Pros, or blind themselves while taking selfies. And that pain has translated to nearly 140,000 Instagram posts under #lumbersexual alone (there are many, many variations).

Grasping for tendrils of testosterone, these handsome, hairy hipsters love long walks to the coffee shop, listening to the Arctic Monkeys and styling their man buns with organic products. But I mustache: Where do we really draw the line between lumbersexual and lumberjack? How incompetent must a lumbersexual be at camping and chopping up wood to indeed be considered lumbersexual?

My personal lumberjack vehemently rejects lumbersexuality. “I don’t want to do any of that hipster garbage. This is not a froofy beard or a fashion statement. I have a beard, because I have a beard,” says he, with his manly man bun, beard, flannel shirt and Timberlands. But his fantastic physique and calloused hands speak for themselves. “I build things around the house, and I like the outdoors. I don’t want to sip mocha lattes or try to get sparkles out of my beard. I can’t even get food out.”

Even some metrosexuals have rejected their lumbersexual counterparts. As I babbled about the trend to my nail artist, the man receiving a manicure to my left butted into the conversation. “It’s not lumbersexual anymore,” he said with a twang. “I’m metrosexual, and we now call them ‘fauxjacks.’ I can’t believe it’s even still a thing. They’re just fake lumberjacks.” This revelation surprised me. How could he reject one of his own?

I was hoping to include a positive counterpoint here, but unfortunately, no one likes lumbersexuals.

“There’s so many pussies growing beards right now. And they’re wearing skinnier jeans than half the girls,” my friend Megan says. See, she's an avid facial-hair enthusiast. I still remember the day we saw a man with a knee-length beard and she said she wanted to wrap herself inside his whiskers, preferably naked. If any woman has an expert opinion on bearded sex symbols, it's her.

And her opinion points to a love for the true lumberjack, which is still tinder to women’s (and some men’s) hearts. If lumbersexual simply referred to those burly woodsmen and had nothing to do with aqua-colored beards or edited Instagram pics, then the brawny man wouldn’t have to hang his head in shame. “Lumber. Sexual. I think it’s completely accurate,” Megan says. “If I found a dude with an ax coming off a mountain, who is super manly and take-charge …” She chuckles here, relishing her fantasy. “I want a man that’s gonna be a breadwinner, and throw me up against the wall. Sexually.”

What else could we possibly say about the flannel-touting, clean and manicured males?

“They’re not a manly man, but they have a beard. That’s bullsh*t. If you can’t change a tire, then you shouldn’t have a beard,” says Bearded Bobby.

Well, there's that.

But there are tow trucks and AAA now. There are landscapers, IKEA and little need for timber here in Vegas. Maybe we can settle for the lumbersexual, because personally, any identification that combines the robust, pine-scented sex appeal of Paul Bunyan with a streamlined face and the word “sexual” has got me lumberlustin'.

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