So a Priest and a Rabbi Walk Into a Bar and Sit Next to a Porcupine …

Somewhere in the Las Vegas Comedy Festival, there must’ve been a punch line for that joke

Steve Bornfeld


"The press has been tough on Hilary and Monica and me," says a faux-Bill Clinton in an aw-shucks Arkansas rasp. "But Hilary can take the hits, and Monica can take the shots, and me? I can take the blows." (Oooh, what a low blow. But you might have a future in comedy impressions. Keep pluggin,' pal.)


Funny thing, being funny.


It's not all that funny.


You've got to take being funny seriously if you ever expect to be seriously funny.


Seriously.



"You have to know about sex, or else you're unmarriageable. I'm from Alabama, where that's a fate worse than death, when even your cousins won't marry you." (Not too shabby, but keep the inbreeding jokes to a minimum. Unless you're playing a geneologists convention in Biloxi.)


So goes the principle that guided last week's second annual Las Vegas Comedy Festival, which drew comics both pro and not-so-pro—from energetic, starry-eyed young dudes and dudettes to rotund middle-agers and deadpan-funny hausfraus—to the Stardust for three days of seminars, performances and awards. The point? Encourage amateur practitioners of the loneliest, scariest and gutsiest of the kamikaze arts: stand-up comedy, starring you, your wit and audiences growing more snockered by the second.



"I think I got my taste for beer from my father. I didn't know he drank till I saw him sober one day." (You'll slay 'em at AA family picnics, kid.)


Led by panels of comics, managers, agents and producers, seminars comedically-academically addressed such topics as "The Stardom Strategy" (moderated by superstar agent Ken Kragen), "Comedy and its Reflection in History" (comedy godfather Shelley Berman hosting), "The Nuts and Bolts of Comedy" and "Women in Comedy" in the hotel's ballrooms. 


Also on hand were longtime laughmeisters Jack Carter, Norm Crosby, Pat Cooper, Jeff Altman, Bobby Collins and Ronn Lucas.



"My wife loves to talk during sex. I should have never gotten her that cell phone. But I got her a headset, so now at least her hands are free." (Save it for the midnight show, mister. Keep the early one clean for the kiddies.)


Comic up-and-comers including Kate Davis, Willis Turner, Mark Leroy and Karen Rontowski got to strut their shtick during "Fresh Faces of Funny" showcases, and the Smothers Brothers nailed the Career Achievement Award at an evening gala. Additional kudos went to Rita Rudner (Comedian of the Year), Wayne Newton (The Bob Hope Lifetime Service Award, for assuming the late legend's hosting duties on USO tours) and Budd Friedman (the Steve Allen Pioneer of Comedy Award for launching legions of comedy careers).


The capper was the induction of the late genius/nutball Ernie Kovacs into the National Comedy Hall of Fame.



"I'm a fifth-generation Mexican, which means my family roots in this country go all the way back to  ... 1980." (Ethnic humor—terrific! Just leave it out of the act when you play the first annual Neo-Nazi/KKK White Power Conference and Dinner-Dance.)


In a seminar titled "How to Do a Late-Night Talk Show," Pete Barbutti, perched behind a makeshift, Lettermenesque desk, welcomed aspiring funny folk to the stage for brief routines, sampled in the previous quips—oh, what the hell, here's one more ...



"My husband is selfish during sex. You know those condoms that are ribbed for your pleasure? He turns them inside out." (Lead with that one and you'll wow the NOW crowd.)


... then sat them down for a chat and some helpful pointers, including whether to shift certain bits higher or lower in the act, timing and emphasizing a comic's individual voice. And, occasionally, some pointed banter:



Pete Barbutti: "Where are you from?"



Comic Wannabe: "Kansas City."



PB: "Kansas City? I used to live there, when they had professional sports."



Crowd: "Ooooooooh."



CW: "Well, I'd appreciate a host with a reasonably nice tie."



Crowd: "Ooooooooooooooh."



PB (gazing down to examine his carnival-bright yellow tie): "Security! Security!"


OK, let's move it along, shall we? NEXT!



PB: "Please give a warm welcome, from the great state of Texas, to Marty Finkelstein!"


Marty Finkelstein from Texas?


Now that's funny.

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