When my son asked me if he could join the Boy Scouts, it seemed like a harmless enough request.
After all, who doesn't love the Scouts? The organization has been around forever. The Scout masters help kids build character and teach them about camaraderie and building things and survival skills and all that other stuff my son would never learn from watching me fumble through life. You could give me two sticks to rub together, a book of matches, some lighter fluid, a gallon of gasoline and a blowtorch and I still couldn't get a campsite fire started.
And on top of all that, the Scouts single-handedly keep the patch-making industry thriving in this country. What's not to like?
So I signed him up and went to a Thursday night meeting of the entire pack, which consisted of Scouts of all ages, shapes and sizes. We were mostly spectators on Day One, waiting for instructions on the next den meeting—where the pack of Scouts breaks up into smaller groups and when my son would officially begin participation. I learn that he'll begin as a wolf, the division of the Cub Scouts for second-grade students. I found out where to get his uniform and what he'll need. We got a schedule of the major events. Junior went out to play with his newfound comrades. So far, so good.
The Ancient Scout Mega Master (that wasn't his real title, but I wasn't paying close enough attention when he introduced himself) opens the floor for questions. I ask about his first den meeting. He says he isn't sure, but believes our den will meet the following Monday.
I quickly reach into my back pocket, and hurl a yellow flag in his direction. As I'm reaching for a whistle, he scolds me for littering.
"No, Evil Scout Lord, that's a penalty flag. You can't be serious about meeting during Monday Night Football. That's a personal foul—roughing the parent."
I inform him that I would be forced to bring a small television to any such Monday meeting, along with some snacks. He asks why, and mutters something about priorities and my child's development. But I have him cornered here and I won't let anything morals-related slow me down.
"Hey, isn't your motto, 'Be Prepared'? I'll just watch the game while you play MacGyver with the youngsters. Maybe you can teach Junior how to improve my TV reception with a paper clip and some gauze pads or whatever."
The meeting adjourned and we went home. A couple of days later, I got a call from the den leader, saying the Scout Czar was wrong and that the den met on Fridays. What a huge relief. I promise to do my best to make sure my son attends every one of them. Scout's honor.
Lance Burton (4-5)
Falcons -6 over Vikings
Cowboys +3 over Raiders
Panthers -7 over Packers
Danny Gans (2-7)
Eagles +2 1/2 over Chiefs
Seahawks +2 over Redskins
Falcons -6 over Vikings
Oscar Goodman (1-8)
Patriots -5 1/2 over Chargers
Eagles +2 1/2 over Chiefs
Panthers -7 over Packers
Clint Holmes (4-4-1)
Colts -7 over Titans
Redskins -2 over Seahawks
Panthers -7 over Packers
Kevin Janison (5-4)
Eagles +2 1/2 over Chiefs
Seahawks +2 over Redskins
Colts-Texans under 45
Mark & Mercedes (4-4-1)
Titans +7 over Colts
49ers +3 over Cardinals
Seahawks +2 over Redskins
Wayne Newton (6-3)
Bengals -10 1/2 over Texans
Chiefs -2 1/2 over Eagles
Chargers +5 1/2 over Patriots
Penn & Teller (3-6)
Eagles +2 1/2 over Chiefs
Bengals -10 1/2 over Texans
Chargers +5 1/2 over Patriots
Rita Rudner (3-6)
Raiders -3 over Cowboys
Jaguars -4 over Broncos
Redskins-Seahawks over 36
Sal DeFilippo won the NFL Pass, Punt & Kick contest last year in his age group.