Best “Are you sure this party is associated with the Festival?” party. Cosponsored by HBO, Tuesday’s pre-kickoff festivities at Revolution Lounge featured no cover, free booze and the comedic stylings of Vegas’ own Matt Markman, Brandt Tobler, Bryan Bruner, Penny Tha Prince, Brandon “Gooch” Hahn, Brandon Muller and Joe Lowers. Also on the premises: a Chris Farley impersonator and Real World-er Dave Burns. –Julie Seabaugh
Most improved. The Festival Village. Last year’s tiny tent was a poorly disguised shill for Sierra Mist (albeit with free Internet and regularly scheduled celebrity appearances). This year the Village took over the entire Roman Plaza, with scads of free entertainment (and Twix!) including pancake-juggling, hypnotists, music, karaoke, Pacman Sumo (look it up) and the experimental Theatre of the Absurd known as Garage Comedy. Way to grow, guys. You should reach Montreal Comedy Festival-caliber street fair in no time. –Julie Seabaugh
Best solution to global warming. After spoofing An Inconvenient Truth by explaining how the Internet caused polar bears to be stranded on ice floes, FunnyOrDie.com debuted “The Green Team” at the Broadband Theatre show. The premise: A militantly eco-aware trio (Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, John C. Reilly) assault, rape and generally maraud their way to a brighter future. The parting advice: “Make love to the Earth. Dig a hole, fill it with water for lubrication and go to town.” –Julie Seabaugh
Biggest mess. Not only did on-fire opener Neil Hamburger have to end his set before the posted 8 p.m. start time, but Tim & Eric Awesome Show Live!’s cadre of Adult Swim-approved characters, sketches and songs—with the exception of Ron Lynch’s brilliant Hall of Presidents-esque comic from the future—was insufferably sophomoric. That tray full of hotdogs the titular duo tossed into the audience did no favors for Thursday’s cleaning crew, either. –Julie Seabaugh
Best new Michael Winslow. You know, the sound-effects guy from the Police Academy movies? Okay, so maybe he’s not an inspiration for most modern comedians, but I don’t know if I’d even call Reggie Watts a comedian, exactly. He’s more of a performance artist, combining Winslow-style sound effects with beat-boxing worthy of Rahzel of The Roots and a startling array of spot-on impressions. He sings, he raps, he totally freaks the audience out. No one else at Brian Posehn’s Rock Comedy Show could compare—and that was a show with no shortage of oddballs. –Josh Bell
Best spot to star-watch. The bottom of the escalators. Seems most performers enter the Conference Center area in the same way as us regular folk, and though Pete Dominick, Steve Byrne, Brody Stevens, Nick Swardson, Jeffrey Ross, Rick Shapiro, Russell Peters and George Wallace were among those who passed through, it was Friday’s descent of Chris Rock that caused the biggest furor. –Julie Seabaugh
Worst merch. All of it. Bland, boring, unimaginative shirts and ball caps that haven’t evolved from last year don’t really scream “cutting-edge artistry,” now do they? –Julie Seabaugh
Busiest bee/best side action. Brody Stevens’ “Silent Heckler” segment (in which the comic railed both onstage and in the crowd as audience members texted insults to overhead screens) was a highlight of the Broadband Theatre show. He followed Neil Hamburger’s Wednesday appearance with one of his own at Brandt Tobler’s house show on Friday before opening the Nick Swardson/Jamie Kennedy show later that evening. His Garage Comedy group—of which he and Lower East Side legend Rick Shapiro are clearly elder statesmen—even ended every evening with in-your-face shows at the Double Down, the Freakin’ Frog and, gulp, the Palomino Club. –Julie Seabaugh
Best rescue of a blah show. The lone highlight of Friday’s lackluster Unprotected Sketch was Hot Tub Variety Show’s always brilliant Kurt Braunohler and Kristen Schaal. Between introductions, the co-hosts unspooled their Vegas-themed three-act play Double Down Hearts—“a work of dramatic fiction” concerning gambling, overdoses and harelips “that would bring Chekhov to his knees!”—in reverse chronological order. The duo capped the 5 p.m. performance with an over-the-top rendition of “Kristen Schaal is a Horse,” and if you’re even slightly familiar with the sketch’s premise, you’ll know that “over-the-top” is saying a lot. –Julie Seabaugh
Best comment that makes us sound like assholes. A regular topic for stand-ups is all these “crazy poker shows,” asking “Why the heck would you watch poker on the TV?” So why the heck would people want to watch comedians—Joy Behar, Kevin Nealon, Nick Swardson, Jamie Kennedy—play poker at Pure? It’s for charity? Oh. But still ... –Todd Jackson
Second-best solution to global warming. Though Jerry Seinfeld said he was retiring his old material a few years ago, even asserting it with the title of his album I’m Telling You For the Last Time, a few of those jokes snuck back in there at Friday’s Colosseum performance. But get this—those recycled “What’s the deal with?” lines still work. Just doing his part for the planet, folks. –Todd Jackson
Best post-verdict suggestion to New York Knicks coach Isaiah Thomas. From Def Comedy Jam host D.L. Hughley, who, in referring to the case in which Thomas was found guilty of sexually harassing a female Knicks executive: “I wouldn’t have even hired an attorney! You see that woman? She looked like Patrick Ewing! My defense would have been, ‘I can see! I mean, this woman’s [male organ] is bigger than mine!’” –John Katsilometes
Best term for female genitalia. Def Comedy Jam’s Tiffany Haddish: “Carne asada.” –John Katsilometes
Most-deserved win. Brent Weinbach’s combo of eyebrows and extreme seriousness beat out a field of eight to win the 2007 Andy Kaufman Award—a full-size conga emblazoned with the late comedian’s wide-eyed mug. Weinbach’s three-pronged attack included segments on “gay eyes” vs. “psychotic eyes,” being a “natural” as opposed to a “creepy” comic and some modern-dance moves, including a little gem called “The Crab.” Nearly as refreshing as the milk and cookies served to the audience during the judges’ deliberations. –Julie Seabaugh
Best method of framing racial inequality by checking out the neighborhood. Chris Rock, at the Colosseum on Friday: “I live in Alpine, New Jersey. My house cost [mumbles into microphone]. There are four black people in my neighborhood: Mary J. Blige, Patrick Ewing, Gary Sheffield and me. Okay, I’m a decent stand-up comic and actor. Mary J. Blige is one of the great R&B singers ever. Gary Sheffield hit 495 home runs, on his way to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Patrick Ewing, one of the best basketball players in history. You know who my neighbor is? A dentist. Not the greatest dentist ever! Not goin’ to the Dentist Hall of Fame! A regular, pull-your-tooth-out dentist! For a black dentist to live in that neighborhood, he would have to have invented teeth!” –John Katsilometes
Best discovery. The anti-Stephen Lynch, Tim Minchin. The Australian evil twin of Robert Smith put Billy Joel to shame as he rocked a piano, fog machine and a varied host of “air” instruments. Songs including “Dark Side,” “Inflatable You,” “Rock ’n’ Roll Nerd,” “Peace Anthem for Palestine” and “Canvas Bags” kept the Saturday-evening audience on their toes by building slow before exploding in twisted-yet-heartfelt absurdity. Give it a few years and he’ll be leading an international, nonreactionary-comedy revolution. –Julie Seabaugh
Best history lesson. British comedian Eddie Izzard isn’t one to give you bits on the differences between men and women or the frustrations of dealing with traffic. His show featured jokes about the Biblical flood, illuminated manuscripts, fox hunting, Charles Darwin, hieroglyphics, ancient Roman plumbing and Wikipedia. Izzard promised to cover the entire history of the world in his act, and while he didn’t quite make it, he was certainly the most educational performer of the festival, and possibly the funniest, as well. If the high-toned stuff wasn’t your bag, there were also hilarious, often wordless impersonations of giraffes, flies, whales and ducks. Come to think of it, those were pretty edifying as well. –Josh Bell
Most annoying audience member. The guy sitting next to me at Chris Rock on Saturday night, who smelled like a winery and kept yelling out “Ha ha ha!”—not an actual laugh, mind you, but a loud, repeating rendering of the word “Ha!” every time he apparently found something funny enough to let everyone else know, but not funny enough to actually laugh at. He was also big on “Oh no!” if he didn’t like the direction a joke seemed headed, and “He’s bringin’ it tonight!” when Rock lashed out at prosecutors in the Michael Vick and Barry Bonds cases. Jokes about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama drew some hearty “Oh yeahs,” but when Rudy Giuliani became the butt, my neighbor headed for the exit. Wonder how he’s voting in 2008. Ha ha ha! –Spencer Patterson
Most appropriate misread. I thought it said “garbage” when I first saw the GarageComedy.com logo in the back of a dank, dark room inside of the Palomino all-nude strip club Saturday night for the HBO Comedy Festival afterparty. And for all intents and purposes, it might as well have. After seeing apocalyptically bad acts by comedians relating stories of cocaine abuse, sex with transvestites and exploding diarrhea, it was clear: This was comedy hell. –Aaron Thompson