1. Teachers union votes to pursue gaming tax. Resorts counter that they already spend plenty making happy commercials about their support of education.
2. Harrah’s closes 600 rooms after remodel, relocates tourists. Teal and beige?! We said aquamarine!
3. Homeless move into empty Klondike Hotel on Strip. Curbs and cardboard boxes?! We said food and shelter!
4. Metro officer shoots at vehicle on the Strip. Coroner’s Inquest concludes car had it coming.
5. Local home sales down 43 percent over last year. Move aside, Klondike homeless! We’re coming over!
6. Darren Mack trial moved to Vegas for unbiased jury pool. In related news, O.J. asks to move hearing to LA.
7. USO disapproves of Vegas. In related news, Vegas disapproves of idiotic war.
8. Boggs McDonald, denied public defender, hires O.J. attorney. Also hires poet to craft charge-dismissing rhymes.