Features

Divine! Disastrous!

And plenty in between. Forget the stars and thumbs—for our best Review Issue ever we enlisted our own 60-Second Critic to deliver the final judgments

> PLACES

Steam room at Las Vegas Athletic Club

The meditative effect of heavy steam fills the tile-covered steam rooms at any of the half-dozen LVACs around the Valley. These overheated rooms draw exercise buffs of all shapes and sizes. There are boxers, dancers, bodybuilders, those who have been ordered to the gym by their higher power (usually a physician, spouse or significant other). Just the other night, a young Hispanic guy shadow-boxed in one corner while two women speaking French sat across the room, while the rest of us silently wondered who would be next to pour water over the rocks to keep this party going. –John Katsilometes

St. Thomas, underwater ghost town

Ohmyguh, our very own Atlantis, under Lake Mead. St. Thomas, the Mormon settlement founded in 1865 where the Virgin and Muddy rivers meet, was all but abandoned in the ’30s when the Hoover Dam formed Lake Mead and swallowed the place whole. Once a victim of progress, the cluster of well-preserved concrete foundations has re-emerged thanks to the rapidly receding shoreline of Lake Mead. Credit your part in the bleeding death of Mother Nature for this middle-of-nowhere gem. –Nick Divito

The new-look airport bypass

It used to be so beautiful, zipping past McCarran en route from Midtown to Henderson, and vice versa. And then some genius decided what the world really needed was a light at Russell Road, smack dab in the middle of our beloved airport bypass. Keep your traffic statistics to yourself—we don’t wanna hear ’em. What used to be free and easy is now awkward and congested. What’s next, a stop sign on Desert Inn arterial? –Spencer Patterson

The upkeep of the Summerlin roundabouts on Town Center Drive

I was living in Summerlin when the community’s former owner, Howard Hughes Corp., plopped two roundabouts—I call them death-defying islands of motor-vehicle obstruction/consternation—on Town Center, one at Canyon Run Drive, the other at Hualapai Way. What they lacked in practicality they made up for in aesthetics. They were spacious, nice looking, picnic-worthy even, and decorated with palm trees and flowers. As was the case years ago, the one at Hualapai is prettier, with its purple, maroon, yellow and white flowers, while the Canyon Run roundabout looks like a neglected garden, all brown and beige leaves. –Damon Hodge

Softball fields at Sunset Park

Recreational athletes are wary of striding onto the ratty, pockmarked fields at Sunset Park and the three diamonds on Warm Springs and Eastern. Bad hops in the infields and 6-inch ditches in the outfields have plagued these parks for years. Legends of the fall, for sure. –John Katsilometes

Brooklyn-style delis

They’re popping up all over the Valley in what we can only guess is a culinary nod to all this talk about the so-called Manhattanization of Las Vegas. But we’re a little confused: One such place offers up a sandwich called the Bronx Bomber, featuring pastrami and egg salad on rye, while a competing joint’s Bronx Bomber features roast beef, melted Monterey Jack cheese and onions on a French roll. So which is it? Anyway, we’ve been to Brooklyn, and, well, the local bagels just can’t compare to the real deal. It has something to do with the water in Brooklyn that makes Brooklyn bagels taste like Brooklyn bagels. But that has something to do with chemistry, and science bores us, so never mind. –Nick Divito

Spiral escalators, the Forum Shops at Caesars

They’re escalators, see? Which curve around, like giant corkscrews! Okay, yeah, they’re way prettier than just giant corkscrews, but we won’t bore you with design details, because that would involve using yawn-inducing phrases like “box girders” and “cantilevered beams.” Points off, however, for their not being the first of their kind in the United States. (Thanks for ruining the fun, San Francisco.) Officials at Caesars won’t tell us how much it cost to build them or how many people ride them daily, so let’s just say they were really, really expensive and get used, like, a lot. So suck it, Luxor’s Inclinator. There’s a new state-of-the-art people-moving gizmo in town. –Nick Divito

Floor of the convenience store at Owens Avenue and H Street

In desperate need of determined Swiffering, this ratty floor is slimed with layers of tarry gunk and shoe-print build-up and speckled with remnants of opened and/or crushed packages of small candy. Even the red-handled broom (more like a tangled thistle of dirty straw brush) and the dustpan (has it been dipped in tar?) are dirty. In a strange way, the floor gives the place character, makes it lived in as much as walked on. Extra points for the floor posters, including the handy beer-shaped ones leading to the booze section. –Damon Hodge

Not-so-well-lit stretch of Las Vegas Boulevard between Nellis and Lamb Boulevards

Ever notice how in scary movies there is, inevitably, a dark and lonely road where, inevitably, the protagonist’s car breaks down and, inevitably, the maniacal killer tracks him/her down? That’s how the south side of Las Vegas Boulevard from Lamb to Nellis feels, save for the tension-building music. With only three light poles along the 1.26-mile stretch, compared to nearly a dozen on the north side, a vast expanse of desert and a sewer channel, it has everything you need to film a scary movie—or dispose of a body. –Damon Hodge

> PEOPLE

Dealertainers at Imperial Palace

Where else can you get wiped out on a blackjack table by Stevie Wonder? It happened once—40 bucks in four minutes—but the guy performed such a convincing Stevie impression (filled with dead-on vocals of “Superstition” and the famous side-to-side head moves) that the loss of cash was akin to paying a ticket price. Elvis (of course), Bruce Springsteen, the Blues Brothers, Christina Aguilera and Bette Midler have all taken turns wowing the tourists and turning six-card 21s.

–John Katsilometes

Checker No. 7 at Best Buy

He looks like he’ll be fast: Maybe 18, tattooed forearms, restless and wiggly in the way teens put to repetitive tasks are. Indeed things start out well–he moves through the first of five customers in line quickly, bouncing his head to the beat of the–house music?–overhead, swiping CDs and DVD players and phone jacks, popping the register keys, offering the warranties, handing out receipts. Then, a glitch: A return. Or is it an exchange? Or something that is covered by a warranty? A gift receipt? Manager on Aisle 7. We wait, and admire his tattoos. –Stacy J. Willis

UNLV Men’s basketball head coach Lon Kruger

By the numbers:

After last year’s unforgettable run to the Sweet 16, UNLV men’s basketball coach Lon Kruger returned only one starter and is now working with zero players over the height of 6-foot-6; and yet, the Runnin’ Rebs are rolling this season at 19-5 and second in the Mountain West Conference with a 8-2 record. Impressive. Kruger, who just compiled his 400th career win as a coach, is the man, and the enthusiasm he has stimulated in the UNLV basketball program alone is worth the $5.2 million raise and 2-year extension added to his contract in 2007. –Joshua Longobardy

UNLV football coach Mike Sanford

By the numbers:

Mike Sanford has won a total of six football games since taking over the UNLV team in 2004, having never won more than two games in any of his three seasons. He has lost 29. Naturally, when it comes to bowl-game appearances, he’s pulling in the big zero. His contract: $425,000, annually. –Joshua Longobardy

The woman who performs interpretive dance during Killian’s Angels’ version of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”

Her name is Donna, and she attends every performance by Killian’s Angels, the great all-woman band that plays at Brendan’s Irish Pub at the Orleans (at least until the place is shuttered in a few months as the hotel renovates its restaurants and clubs), among other venues. When the band launches into “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” featuring Lisa Viscuglia’s blistering violin performance, Donna hustles off and changes into a black body suit and cape with blood-red devil horns. She carries a pitchfork in one hand and a tiny fiddle wrapped in golden duct tape in the other. Then she jigs her way from one side of the stage to the other, using the pitchfork as a weapon to clear out any dancers or unsuspecting cocktail servers, and at the end of the song actually presents Viscuglia with the “fiddle made of gold.” This is the funniest performance I have ever seen on any stage in Las Vegas. –John Katsilometes

> THINGS

Glen Lerner’s Super Bowl commercial

Shot in the black-and-white style of cinematic flashbacks, Glen Lerner’s commercial, aired locally during the Super Bowl, was indeed memorable. Not as memorable as the Super Bowl itself, of course, nor the news Lerner made when he missed the start of his client’s murder trial the week before, because he was tired of “living the life of a rock star,” but memorable nonetheless.

–Joshua Longobardy

The giant lamp at Prive

In a city that likes everything big—casinos, meals, boobs—I’m pleased to see Miami’s Opium Group coming at us with some whimsy, as if to say “You like ’em big? How about them apples?!” And as if it weren’t enough to stick a lamp the size of a maple tree in the nightclub’s entrance hall, they had to go and give it an equally large crystal lampshade. I guess diamonds are a genie’s best friend, too. Kudos on a job well-done and a hall well-lit. –Xania Woodman

The water at Rehab

Talk about primordial soup. This is something man was never meant to see, let alone frolic in. After a successful Sunday at the Hard Rock’s pool, the luxurious Rehab lagoon resembles something more akin to a marsh, a veritable petri dish of sweat, suntan oil, spilled daiquiri, Shamu spits and no-one-will-ever-know pee breaks. And don’t get me started on what I’ve found in the sand. My advice: Never above the knees! –Xania Woodman

Moonshine crushed-ice cocktail at Tacone in the Miracle Mile Shops

I haven’t sampled this grain alcohol-fueled concoction, and I hope I never do (Miracle Mile is a nice place, and we’d like to keep it that way), but a lovely young bartender was handing out samples the other night. She pushed one to a person she knew, who happened to be a fellow bartender, and the guy nearly dropped from his perch. The drink is a mix of blended ice, mango-citrus flavoring and 190-proof Everclear. Seemed like a good idea at the time, officer … –John Katsilometes

The footlight covers at Bare pool

I find it somewhat comforting that I’m not alone in my hatred of the brass footlight covers that ring the pool deck at the Mirage’s Bare Pool Lounge. Turning 30 this April is going to be painful enough. But turning 29 there last summer was even more of a pain when I was permanently branded on my right calf by one of these covers as I reached for (yet another) mojito. I credit the vast amounts of alcohol in my system at that time with dulling the pain. Bottom line: These light covers definitely need covers. –Xania Woodman

Benches at the College of Southern Nevada’s soccer field/race track

Inscrutable graffiti aside, there’s not much visually pleasing about these four knee-high, doo-doo brown benches stationed around the track. Because they’re hard as granite, prolonged sitting is not recommended. Because splotches of unidentifiable sticky substances stain each of them—they look like dried-out remains of a loogie—short-term sitting is not recommended. –Damon Hodge

My friend’s mug shot after he got busted for urinating on a Metro police substation

Besides the obvious comedy centering on his incarceration for drunkenly stopping off of Las Vegas Boulevard to relieve himself on a random building that turned out to be a police substation (he says he was sober), the mug shot could have honestly been better. Perhaps a tacky band T-shirt? How about Nick Nolte-esque fuzzed hair, or just a cheesy smile? Nope. Instead what we got was a picture of a pissed-off yuppie-looking jerk in a collared shirt and sweater vest. Come on, man (take heed, future public urinators), you could do better.

–Aaron Thompson

First Friday Fences

Yeah, I know it’s to keep degenerates out of the monthly Downtown art festival, but isn’t there something, you know, artistic and interesting about hearing the random ramblings of drunks, tweakers and assorted deviants? Apparently not, according to First Friday organizers who put up the fences sometime last year. What is art, then? Apparently something having to do with high-priced concessions, live karaoke and port-a-potties. –Aaron Thompson

Stick-figure family bumper stickers

Okay, we get it. You’re fertile. Enough with the stick-figure drawings of your family immortalized in sticker-form and plastered to the rear windshield of your car. Seriously, they’re more obnoxious than those “My Kid is Student of the Month” bumper stickers. (Update: We spotted two such family stickers in our very own parking lot on a recent Wednesday afternoon. One of our co-workers has two boys, a girl and a dog. The other, a boy, a girl and a dog. If either of these are you, please see us immediately. Unless you’re really huge and know how to fight. In which case, never mind, love the stickers, congrats on your large family!) –Nick Divito

Jim Rogers’ car collection

Only true car buffs can appreciate the full scope of Rogers’ collection of 280 vintage vehicles stored and displayed on Foremaster Lane, near the KVBC Channel 3 building. Among the rare vehicles are a 1948 Buick Roadmaster convertible (the same make of car made famous in Rain Man) and a 1912 REO Speedwagon. Rogers has no time to actually drive these cars, but says, “The thrill is the chase” to obtain them.

–John Katsilometes

The Luxor light

At once a beacon to the glitz and craziness of the Strip and an undimmable reminder that the concrete jungle of the Southwest is riiiiiiiiiiight ... there. Just as the mountains that surround our soup bowl of a hamlet give us a little geographical hug each time we look at them, the Luxor light kisses the sky nightly, serves as a welcome mat on the drive back from California (as well as zapping probably a zillion moths and blinding a fair number of bats and birds—but they knew the risks), letting us know that the Vegas entertainment machine is still churning, at least enough to pay the power bills.

–Xania Woodman

> FOOD

Fausto’s spicy carrots

The cooked food at the local Mexican chain is consistently delicious—and cheap to boot—but what really keeps me coming back is that unassuming tray of raw carrots set in the restaurant’s salsa bar. Ah, but simple vegetables they are not! Soaked in chili-seasoned brine, each bite is an adventure, ranging from mildly zesty to flaming hot. (Only their proximity to those tongue-destroying whole chilis prevents total approval.) –Spencer Patterson

Wendy’s Baconator

Wendy’s square burgers have never been my favorites, but I couldn’t pass up the chance to try a burger with six whole strips of bacon, plus two quarter-pound patties, cheese, mayo and ketchup (and none of those distracting veggies). It was better than I remembered Wendy’s burgers from the past, but it still didn’t stack up to my heart-attack burger of choice, the Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box. At some point, having more bacon doesn’t actually add any flavor to the burger, only weight. Would 20 pieces of bacon really be an improvement? I doubt it, but if such a burger were created, I would probably find out. –Josh Bell

Wine from 7-Eleven

Finally, a place where you can get gas, beef jerky, a Slurpee and cheap hooch. Because we’re all about service journalism, we offer this warning: cheap wine = headache, so don’t forget to grab a single-serving packet of aspirin for the morning after. –Nick Divito

Deep-fried macaroni and cheese balls at Cheesecake Factory

Just reading this item on the huge Cheesecake Factory menu (which one day might be recommended by Oprah’s book club) kicks up your cholesterol 50 points. Give the restaurant credit for not attempting to vague-up the name of this dish and using something like “Cheesecake Factory’s Signature Surprise!” This appetizer, which works just fine as an entrée, is indeed mac and cheese rolled into a quartet of ping-pong-ball-size servings, then breaded and deep-fried. God, they’re good. –John Katsilometes

Homemade turkey sandwich made to avoid eating out as much

Filled with provolone cheese, some kind of generic, store-bought turkey, mayo and relish, this fine sandwich was an excellent—and tasty—way to save $6 to $10 on dining out. The downside? No excuse to leave the office for an hour … or potato salad. Could be solved by organizing an impromptu picnic. –Aaron Thompson

Sea urchin with quail egg

Two great sushi delicacies that do not go great together. As an urchin fanatic who also typically orders quail egg atop his roe (fish eggs), I found the combination intriguing, but something held me back. Sure enough, when I finally tried it recently (accidentally—an order arrived incorrectly) the quail egg completely overpowered the urchin, leading me to conclude that those who insist on pairing the two don’t actually like the taste of sea urchin. Or simply want to look extra cool. –Spencer Patterson

> EXPERIENCES

The end of the line at Tao on a Saturday night

Like the Himalayas or the Grand Canyon, the line outside Tao Nightclub has to get points for sheer size. I used to think the lines outside Pure and Light were pretty impressive, but their abstract clumping qualities edge them out for the most out-of-control in-control door. Like in a marathon, the finish line is rarely visible from the start, but even if you never make to the velvet ropes, think of all the friends you’ll have made along the way! –Xania Woodman

Talking to Clark County Commissioner Rory Reid

Even though this guy means business and could be the future of the Nevada Democratic party, he isn’t afraid to end a conversation with the word “man.” If that isn’t an unparalleled sign of total coolness in local government, nothing is. –Aaron Thompson

Flying Southwest

What deranged ex-kindergarten teacher or children’s therapist gave this business plan the green light? Flying as I was from Las Vegas to Salt Lake City, I experienced what was for me the very worst flight ever but for Southwest was probably a page taken straight from their training manual. From silly voices over the intercom and sound effects emanating from the cockpit to games and a group “Wheeeeeeeeeee!” as we touched down, the only thing missing were sock puppets and the Patch Adams clown noses. I half expected the in-flight meal to include animal crackers and Kool-Aid. The one star of redemption is awarded for Southwest’s new policy whereby they pre-assign a boarding order. Maturity—how novel.

–Xania Woodman

Throwing a pair of old shoes into a random Dumpster

There’s something liberating about tossing a pair of 8-year-old sneakers into a random dumpster. Is it the joy of knowing your feet will no longer smell like old sour cream? Or is it the always-fulfilling thrill of throwing things from a moving vehicle? Doesn’t matter; it rocks. –Aaron Thompson

Pondering the quotations carved into the courthouse

Carved in the sandstone walls of the sweeping lobby of the new district courthouse Downtown is an assortment of isms from brainiacs of yesteryear. Confucius, Socrates, Gandhi (Mahatma, not Indira), JFK, MLK—they’re all there. Tucked in among their law-and-justice inspired quotes are excerpts from various religious texts, including the Talmud, the Bible and the Koran. But where’s the excerpt from the Book of Mormon? –Nick Divito

Listening to Adam Corolla’s morning radio show

There used to be one reason, and one reason only, to wake up before 10 a.m., and that of course was to make it to McDonald’s before they nailed shut their breakfast menu. Now—thank God—there is a second reason: the Ace Man, Adam Corolla. His radio talk show on Xtreme Radio 107.5-FM, from 6 to 10 o’clock, is first-rate. If there’s a more talented host in the country, he has yet to be born. –Joshua Longobardy

    

Waiting for the cable guy to hook up cable in my new apartment

He was already there when I showed up at my new pad from work—a whole 30 minutes earlier than scheduled. Now that’s service! What was even better? Hooking up me up with an extra month of premium channels. If only getting the broken power outlets fixed was so easy. –Aaron Thompson

Cell phone service near my house

My phone works just about everywhere. Except in the immediate vicinity of my house. I’ve tried Sprint. I’ve tried Cingular. I’ve tried Verizon. To no avail. Whichever way I go, my calls drop, on cue, within a half-mile of my home. It’s almost enough to make me move. –Spencer Patterson

Posing naked on the cover of this issue

Eminently enjoyable, except for the cool draft and the, ahem, insufficiently sized star, which necessitated much artful arranging to maintain the cover’s PG rating. ’Twas the third funnest thing I’ve done naked since the Winter Solstice Party at Ebert’s. –The 60-Second Critic

Illustrations by Johnny Ryan

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