Unlike such camp-classic prehistoric epics as Hammer’s One Million Years B.C. and the Ringo Starr vehicle Caveman, Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 BC does not feature grunts and unintelligible nonsense words as its primary form of dialogue. But given the cheesy, awkward speeches that Emmerich and co-writer Harald Kloser put in the mouths of their characters, the grunts and nonsense words might have been a safer bet. Best known for overblown blockbusters like Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow, Emmerich brings his unsubtle touch to this bland, episodic story, theoretically set in the titular year but vague enough to take place in any generic “primitive” fantasy world.
Avoiding specificity at every turn, the film starts in a small mountain village where the dreadlocked inhabitants speak modern American English with an all-purpose “foreign” accent, give great credence to the prophecies of the local crazy old lady and hunt big CGI woolly mammoths. Here vapid protagonist D’Leh (Steven Strait) grows up in love with Evolet (Camilla Belle), a refugee from a nearby village ravaged by violent outsiders. When those same villains show up on horseback, kidnapping many members of D’Leh’s tribe (including Evolet), he sets out to rescue them, no matter what the cost.
Along the way, he gathers a small army of other primitive tribes to take on the more sophisticated (but evil) society that kind of resembles ancient Egyptians (at least in their practice of building gigantic pyramids). Although there is one exciting action sequence with D’Leh and his people fighting some sort of giant, feral birds, most of the movie is given over to tedious wandering through mountains, jungles and deserts, or the soporific romance between D’Leh and Evolet, which neither of the actors is remotely capable of selling.
The cast of relative unknowns is entirely undistinguished and indistinguishable, and they all look completely uncomfortable in their savage outfits. It’s hard to believe Belle as an ancient beauty who looks like she’s had a nose job, or Strait as a primitive warrior who appears to have his chest waxed. Worst of all, no one even gets eaten by the disappointingly tame saber-toothed tiger.
10,000 BC
Rating: 2 stars
Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis
Directed by Roland Emmerich
Rated PG-13