I had sex on the beach with a hot, raven-haired porn star and two other strangers. Or was it three? Luckily, this sex on the beach was just a fruity alcoholic shot and not an actual sex act.

They say that the hair of the dog cures a hangover. So does the hair of 10 dogs make you feel like a rock star? It’s a perfectly sound theory that actually works even better in practice. I was hungover from a bachelorette party on Thursday night and looking for some dog hair.

Friday night I went to check out the afterparties of the Xfanz porn expo. The night began with a party at Wasted Space. I really did just mean to observe quietly, but my blue eye shadow must have gotten me sucked in headfirst, because I didn’t leave the Hard Rock Hotel until the sun was out.

The first porn star I met “recognized” me from another porn party. I can assure you that wasn’t me. The second porn star I met said it was a pleasure to finally meet me. Another case of mistaken identity. “Who is my porn star doppelganger?” I wondered. The third porn star I met was a very worn-out-looking Ron Jeremy.

At the table next to the one where I sat was Sunny Leone, host of the Xfanz expo, along with several other porn stars in tight, skimpy dresses and their male companions. Behind their table was a graveyard of empty bottles of Grey Goose and Jäger, lined up like they were set for target practice. A porn star straddled the flat space between two adjacent booths. With her tan legs spread and her skirt hiked up, she posed for a crotch shot. Then, she pulled the picture-taker close and began to kiss him. “That’s love!” I heard some guy say.