1. “You two are not related in any way?” asks Simon of a particularly flustered contestant, as he points to Paula Abdul. Ten minutes into the first episode and he’s back to insulting his old sparring partner.

2. “You are talented, but you are deluded,” Simon tells a clearly deluded and not all that talented contestant before passing him on to the next round anyway. “He would be a total, utter nightmare,” Simon admits to Paula.

3. There’s a montage of disagreements between Simon and record executive L.A. Reid, trying to set up some epic judges’ rivalry based on mild differences of opinion.

4. Simon retires to his dressing room in despair over the lack of talent at the Miami auditions, making sure everyone knows how heavily this tragedy weighs on his heart.

5. Simon gives fellow judge Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls a birthday cake—with his face on it.