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[Confessions of a Showgirl]

Red carpet diaries: Six compromising showgirl photos

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Ira Kuzma
Maren Wade

All right, all you budding showgirls. I’m here to save you the agony and embarrassment that we’ve all experienced starting out. As a showgirl, you have to realize you’re in the public eye. Whatever you do can and will be used against you in a court of public opinion.

That’s why it’s very important to be aware of the pictures you take (and not to kill anyone). The last thing an up-and-coming showgirl wants is to have compromising pictures of herself plastered all over the Internet. (Come to think of it, that could actually be a career booster, but that’s not my point.) For the record, I’m not talking about sexting. I’m talking about a fate far worse than that:

The dreaded, first-red-carpet showgirl photo.

To conduct this lesson, I have enlisted the help of one of Vegas’ red-carpet photographers extraordinaire, Ira Kuzma. We have prepared a how-to or how-not-to guide (depends how you look at it) for posing on the red carpet. We will begin by examining the following case studies.

Case Study 1: The Squinter

The first step in taking a good red-carpet picture is to make sure your eyes are open. Unless you are going for that fresh-out-of-bed-after-a-night-out-of-drinking-and-drugs-and-okay-I-have-a-confession-to-make-I-never-went-to-bed kind of look, we advise an eyes-open approach. We understand the flash can be startling but you’re a showgirl now. Expect the unexpected.

Case Study 2: The Swivel Head

Believe me, we know showgirls have short attention spans. I remember this time I was having lunch with another showgirl. Oh, lunch sounds good. What am I going to have for lunch today? Wait, what was I just talking about?

Anyway, we’ve all been distracted by another showgirl’s dress and shoes, or lack thereof on the red carpet, but you have to remember why you’re there! Once on that red carpet, look for the camera and look at the camera, make love to it. Make love to all the cameras, just not all at once. More than one at a time is in poor taste for your reputation and, more important, for the picture quality of your photo.

Case Study 3: The Smizer

Know your smile. The worst fate of a showgirl photo is the blank face or the in-between face. Some showgirls can flawlessly pull off “The Smize”—a smile with your eyes. An expression that says, “Come hither, but don’t.” “Adore me; I don’t adore you.”

I’ve always wanted to master the smize. I tried it once, but I just looked seasick. (At that point, you’re better off with the eyes-closed, druggy look.)

Red carpets are not the place to experiment. That’s what you do alone in front of a mirror, taking selfies. The red carpet is where you do what works. So lose the smize (unless you’re really good at it.) Plaster that smile, and if you should be so lucky, let that photographer catch it. And if it’s Ira, he will.

Case Study 4: The Poser

This is your moment on the red carpet. Enjoy it. Take your time. But don't take too much time. Ira and I worked out the official time for getting that stunning red carpet shot: 12.3 seconds per photographer. So remember, this is your time to shine. But only for 12.3 seconds. So when you’re time is up, move along!

We know it’s easy to get hooked on the attention. It’s indescribably addictive. Ira and I are actually trying to raise awareness (aka money) to implement a 12-step program for red carpet withdrawal. But until we have enough funding to find you a sponsor, fight the urge. You can do it! Remember, one carpet at a time.

Case Study 5: The Hoarder

The Hoarder Showgirl consistently puts herself in this predicament. She shows up solo, burdened with having to carry her own drink, purse, swag bag, phone and declining dignity. We feel bad just looking at her. There’s a very simple solution: Bring a purse holder. And by purse holder, I mean “purse bitch,” otherwise known as husband, boy toy, significant other, etc. You’re a showgirl. Start acting like one, and be resourceful. Having an otherwise useful purse holder sit on his useless ass-ets at home watching television does you no good.

Sorry, I don’t know what got into me. I never speak that way. There may be one too many confessions for today.

Case Study 6: The Step and Repeater

We’re all guilty of it, but it’s important not to make a habit of it. You’ll see that one showgirl on the red carpet doing her thing, polished and proud. She’ll walk onto the carpet, stop, look at the camera, pose, move on to the next photographer and repeat. Bravo! Her technique is perfection!

A few minutes later, we see it again: Walk, stop, look, pose, move and repeat.

Photographers are going, “Wait, am I having an acid flashback? Didn’t I just see this?” It makes a photographer question his own sanity. We can’t have an insane showgirl and an insane photographer on the red carpet at the same time! Nothing would get accomplished.

Speaking of insane showgirls and photographers, Ira and I are available for red carpet consultations should you need any further assistance. Ira Kuzma can be reached at facebook.com/IraKuzmaPhotos. You can find me at confessionsofashowgirl.com.

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