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Five reasons to never do yoga

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Maren Wade

The stress of having to write all these confessions finally caught up with me. I needed a way to decompress. My showgirl guru recommended I try yoga. I had never done it before. The showgirl life is fast paced. We are used to intense spurts of frenetic performance, followed by mood swings.

I figured it was time to try something new, but when I went to my first class I discovered right away why you should never do yoga.

1. Breathing is overrated. We start with all of this heavy breathing. I haven’t focused this hard on my breathing since the last time I was faking it in my bedroom. Over and over again, the teacher instructs us to breathe in and out. Now I’m getting dizzy. I can’t see straight. I think I’m having a panic attack. Somebody help! I can’t breathe. I need air.

2. “A calm mind.” Easy for you to say. Tell it to my bladder. The teacher instructs me to “focus on calming my mind.” The voice in my head says, “Don’t think about anything.” If I’m not thinking about anything, then what am I thinking about? Even if I’m thinking about nothing, I’m thinking about something. Now I have a headache. Wait, I’m already off track. Focus on calming my mind.

Okay, my mind is calm … with thoughts of waterfalls. I’m in a rainforest. I can hear the water trickling all around me. I’m thirsty. I need to stay more hydrated, especially since I live in a desert. On second thought, maybe not. I have to pee. Is it rude to leave the class in the middle of a meditation? Let me just take a peek, since everyone’s eyes are closed. I’m just going to step out for a quick second. I’m sure no one will notice. Doesn’t look like I’m going to miss anything.

3. Nobody likes a poser. This part of the class should be fun. I’m a showgirl, which is basically a professional poser. I’ve got this.

But these poses are unlike anything I’ve ever seen. They’re just uncomfortable for the sake of being uncomfortable. In fact, they’re obnoxiously uncomfortable. I’ve been in some pretty uncomfortable poses, but these take the prize. Can you explain to me the purpose of being rolled up in a pretzel? Is this really a position that will benefit me in life? And the eagle pose? I didn’t have the heart to tell the teacher I’m not an eagle, nor do I aspire to be. I’m giving up on poses and going back to meditation.

4. What comes up doesn’t seem to be going down. As I’m trying to calm my mind, I start to look around the room. They say don’t compare yourself to others but that’s not a concept a showgirl understands. However, I now understand why they say that in yoga. It’s because of the involuntary reactions from some of the men in the class, especially the teacher. There is some impressive form going on in this room. Maybe it’s a tantric thing? I’m no longer having a problem finding something to focus on. How is it possible for a man to be so relaxed and so firm at the same time?

5. Wait, are you sure this is yoga? I could get used to this! What a workout. I feel so stimulated. After class, the teacher offered me a private lesson to show me some positions not covered in the group session.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I take it all back. Yoga is great and everyone should do it, at least once a day. Okay, I have a confession to make. It was three times. I’m so glad I found a way to relieve all my stress.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade and read more Confessions at confessionsofashowgirl.com.

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