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[Confessions of a Showgirl]

Confessions of a Showgirl: How to lose weight like a showgirl

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Patrick Rivera
Maren Wade

With so many diet fads, it’s impossible to know which one to choose. Sure, some of them work temporarily, but very few are a long-term solution to weight loss. There is no better way to stay in shape than to have another showgirl around to keep you inspired and motivated to be the best you can be. Plus, it’s the best way to keep an eye on your competition and make sure she never ends up skinnier than you. Because if that happens and by chance you need another job, you can bet she’s going to get it instead.

All it takes to keep the weight off for good is that one dreaded time where you are bigger than your fellow showgirl. It’s an experience that will haunt you forever.

First, let's stress that this is just a hypothetical example of what might happen in a real showgirl situation. This is in no way a confession of something that did (or did not) happen to me at some point in time.

Suppose the dialogue below took place right after the holidays. And let’s say I had a couple months off as I was switching from one show to another. It was a brand new year. I hadn’t really eaten much the whole previous year so I made up for it during Thanksgiving and Christmas … and New Year's. Suppose I ran into a fellow showgirl and she said the following to me:

Fellow Showgirl: “You are looking different these days. I can’t quite place my finger on it.” (This is showgirl code for “You are either putting on weight or you are pregnant, but either way, it’s congratulations to me.”)

Me: “Thanks!” (This is showgirl code for “Thanks, but I’m not pregnant, and this is just water retention.”) Suddenly, I was extremely embarrassed. I went into damage control mode. I figured if I just went with the whole pregnancy thing, then no one could possibly criticize me for gaining the weight: “Actually, it’s really early on so I wasn’t planning on announcing anything yet but I guess you caught me! Listen, I would really appreciate if you don’t tell anyone about this.”

Fellow Showgirl: "OMG! Congratulations! Of course! I would never say anything." (Which is showgirl code for she already told everyone.)

Next thing I knew, everyone was congratulating me for eating a big Thanksgiving meal. Then, I was invited to my baby shower. Speculation as to who the father was didn’t seem to die down. Finally, it all got to be too much. I had to come clean and I just blurted out: “Okay, I have a confession to make. It was a turkey.”

Fellow Showgirl: “Listen, I’ve dated some losers myself. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Me: “No. It was a real turkey.”

Fellow Showgirl: “Hey, that’s the father of your child you’re talking about.”

Me: “No, I meant I ate a lot of turkey and some mashed potatoes and some pumpkin pie and … The point is, I’m not pregnant. But thank you for all these great gifts. It’s very touching and I’m sure they’ll come in handy some day.”

Since then, I vowed never to be in that position again.

What’s crazy is I just recently ran into that fellow showgirl. I hadn’t seen her in a while. She just told me she’s pregnant! She’s not showing yet but I did notice she looked a little different. So exciting! She asked me to keep it quiet since she’s in the early stages of her pregnancy.

Like a loyal showgirl, I promised I wouldn’t say anything, so I’m hoping all of you loyal readers will also respect her wishes.

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade and read more Confessions at confessionsofashowgirl.com.

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