Jim Gibbons

Dating tips for the Guv

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Yo, Guv. Andy Stitzer called. He wants his shirt back.
Illustration: Ryan Olbrysh

Gibbons says he hasn’t had sex since the ’90s; a few tips for getting back in the game:

1. The wisdom of Fast Times at Ridgemont High hasn’t dimmed: “You put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.”

2. Set up a “Lonely Governor” page on Facebook, and watch the offers roll in.

3. Play up your achievements. Instead of a lame pickup line such as, “Hey, baby, you can raise my taxes anytime,” emphasize the qualities that set you apart. Example: “Wanna make it with the most ineffective governor in state history? That’s right—THE MOST, baby!”

4. A single man’s two favorite syllables: Craigslist.

5. Learn from The 40-Year-Old Virgin: “All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It’s written, it’s a code written in his DNA, says, ‘Tackle the gazelle.’ And believe it or not, in every man there’s a code written that says, ‘Tackle drunk bitches.’”

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