Despite what you see in next week’s debates, Obama and Romney aren’t the only ones running for President in 2012. You know (and forgot about) the Green Party and the Libertarians, but let me introduce you to the other other candidates.
Party: Peace and Freedom
Platform: Hey, hey, LBJ: How many kids did you kill today? (The party was formed to oppose the Vietnam War. They don’t care for the current ones, either. Nor for nuclear waste.)
The bottom line: Yes, that Roseanne represents the Peace and Love Party for two good(?) reasons: 1. She believes in the cause and 2. She lost the Green Party presidential nomination.
Party: American Third Position
Platform: “Liberty. Sovereignty. Identity.” (Read: anti-immigration, anti-globalization, anti-intervention)
The bottom line: What an unfortunate name—Merlin makes me think of a Grand Wizard, and Grand Wizards make me think of the KKK. Oh wait, the American Third Position Party actually is a white supremacy group.
Party: Modern Whig
Platform: Energy independence, scientific advancement, social progression, fiscal responsibility, states’ rights
The bottom line: This centrist party was started by veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Honestly, the whole thing sounds too good to be true. Rationality? Moderation? Come on, guys, that’s ridiculous.
Terry Jones (the Quran-burning pastor)
Platform: Balance the budget, cut military spending, cut immigration, cut corporate taxes
The bottom line: How cute is it that Jones leaves the whole Quran-burning thing off his platform, like we forgot about it? Adorable.
Robert Burck, “The Naked Cowboy”
Party: Technically he’s an Independent, though he says he wants to lead the Tea Party. Even though the whole point of the Tea Party is that it doesn’t have a leader.
Platform: Repeal Obamacare, force drug testing on welfare recipients, bulk up military spending
The bottom line: This guy has a chance. If nothing else, George W. Bush proved that America loves a fake cowboy.
Platform: Criminalize alcohol—again
The bottom line: Don’t laugh; these guys got 643 votes in 2008. Okay, laugh.