You’re welcome for your BMW hovercraft

As you probably know, I’m an incredibly rich and powerful and successful and famous big time big shot author. But even incredibly rich/powerful/successful/famous big time big shot authors need some help from time to time…

See, I’ve got this new book coming out in January, and I’m at the stage where I’ve got to solicit book blurbs from other writers. It’s actually not that bad; it gives me a great excuse to get in touch with some brilliant people…but I do feel bad asking these brilliant people for such a big favor…

So I worked up this funny letter to soften the blow of the request.

Here’s the first part of it:

“Let’s start here: you’re welcome.

We’ll figure out some way you can repay me—maybe a fancy lunch, maybe something as simple as a bottle of wine—but first, you probably want to know why you’re so indebted to me. Allow me to explain…

I’m offering you the opportunity to blurb a book that’s pretty much certain to become a #1 bestseller and, by the year 2020, a “modern classic.” Ten years from now, millions of educated men and women will look back to this book’s first edition to see which author had the brains and the courage to give his stamp of approval months before the literary lemmings jumped aboard the Rick Lax bandwagon…and when they do, they’ll see your name, starting right back at them, in big black letters. And then they’ll rush out to buy all of your books, which, by the year 2020, will cost $600 a piece.

So you’re welcome for your comfortable retirement and for your BMW hovercraft.

You might be interested to know that Dan Brown, J. K. Rowling, Malcolm Gladwell, and James Patterson all committed to giving me blurbs. But when I told them I planned to solicit a blurb from you, Brown (speaking on behalf of Rowling, Gladwell, Patterson, and himself), said, “It’s either Doe or us.”

“Fine,” I replied. “I pick John Doe.”

Brown said, “Don’t be silly, Rick. John Doe hasn’t even agreed to give you a blurb yet. Are you really going to turn down a sure thing—blurbs from the four most famous authors of the new millennium—for the chance of getting a blurb from John Doe?”

“You’re damn right I am. That’s how much I respect Doe work,” I said.

So I’m not trying to pressure you into anything, and I’m not trying to guilt you into anything, but I am writing you today to ask for a book blurb…”

And then the letter goes on from there.