We don't have a giant check to give out or thousands of dollars in cash and prizes to award to the costumes that earned our recognition (or wrath) this Halloween. So here's what the winners of the Weekly's 2009 Halloween Costume Awards will get: absolutely nothing. Except pride, of course, and if they stop by LasVegasWeekly.com editor Sarah Feldberg's house, maybe a leftover Kit Kat bar.
That said, our cameras were all over the Valley this Halloween, from the Strip to Fremont Street, capturing the most hilarious, heinous and totally creative costumes to grace Las Vegas. Here, in no particular order, are a few of our favorites:
Faster than a speeding tortoise, it's Sperm Man! He rescues lonely eggs from imminent destruction and rocks a long tail that creeps us out for some strange reason. But weirder than that (and the external red briefs that are likely serving as his own cock block), is the super sperm on his chest. It has teeth! No one mentioned that in sex ed.
Best Use Of A Blow Up Doll
Don't ask why this donkey has a scantily clad blow-up doll attached to his middle. There's probably some witty knee-slapper to justify her leg-spread presence. Just be glad she's modest enough to wear panties under that lacy little thing while riding that ass.
Worst Pregnancy Bump
Thanks to US Weekly, baby bumps were everywhere this Halloween. Yet, there's something inherently wrong about a pregnant nun (especially at the Fetish & Fantasy Ball). We're pretty sure this nun is carrying an alien, not your run-of-the-mill bastard. Good thing she's got a ruler so she can whip that freak into shape the minute he pops out.
Best Two-In-One Costume
There were lots of Max and Carol costumes out in honor of Where the Wild Things Are this Halloween, but this creative chap managed to combine the two characters into one awesome outfit.
Most Likely To Order A Glass Of Prune Juice
We're not sure how these lovely ladies ended up on Fremont Street - did they get lost on the way to the Fiesta? cancel their big Saturday night bingo tourney? - but we're pretty certain we know what they're ordering when they sidle up to the bar: something to keep the evening moving smoothly.
We're Over It Costume Of The Year
Sure, we're in Las Vegas, but we're so over people dressing as Zach Galifianakis' character from The Hangover. It was the go-to costume this year for fat, bearded guys. Cute the first time; annoying the next nine times. Somebody should have gone as Bradley Cooper. That would have been way hotter.
Sometimes opposites attract. Pirates can date cops; belly dancers can bed baseball players, and Betty, the cute retro drive-in waitress (or is it mechanic?), can cozy up to Abraham Lincoln's long-dead corpse. Best of luck, kids. We see a bright future for you two.
Best WTF Costume
Clearly, this guy's a polar bear. Or a rare species of shark. Or a snow leopard. Or a furry insect with really big teeth. OK, we confess, we have no idea what this man is dressed as, but whatever it is, he doesn't look happy about it.
Best Use of Feathers
We couldn't help do a double take when we saw this guy out on Saturday night. What were our childhood memories doing surrounded by nearly naked ladies and drunk frat boys at Rain? While Big Bird certainly looked the part, the bright yellow get up wasn't enough to get the Sesame Street vet on the stage for the club's costume contest. Don't worry, Bird, in our book, you're a winner.
Yes, he looks like a Santa Claus taken hostage by a pre-teen sewing circle, but that's not our problem with this guy's costume. Our problem is that it's not a costume He always dresses like that. It's just his Saturday night in Vegas look.
Strangest Group Costume
It took us a few minutes to figure out what this silvery entourage was dressed as. Then it hit us: They're silverware! Then it hit us again: They're silverware? Maybe they should have swapped out one of the forks for a juicy steak.
Most Disturbing Use of A Farm Animal
We're pretty sure that no animals were hurt or killed in the making of this Halloween costume, but it still makes us cringe a little bit. Really, those beads just can't be comfortable around the poor animal's neck.
Best Obscure Movie Reference
“Can you dig it?” Z-Trip and DJ P channeled the 1979 cult classic The Warriors for their team costume while spinning at Rain Friday night for an Uneasy Halloween. Said DJ P prior to the gig about their costumes, “A lot of people probably won’t get, but a few will. You had to be there to get it really. Some people might be like, ‘Oh, we’ve heard of this, but we’ve never seen it.’”
Sexiest Dead Things
The go-go dancers at Rain are always hot, but for the Friday night festivities, they made roadkill look good. Who knew tire tracks and guts could be so sexy?
Best Butt Award
A lot of ladies walking around in their skivvies may have tried to dress as Playboy Bunnies and display their ultimate assets, but the delectable derrière of the 2009 Halloween party season goes to the VIP host with the most J-Roc. We'd buy his Playmate of the Year calendar.