Seven. Foot. Mechanical. Member.

I can take seven feet.

This is what I’m telling myself as I put down my bag, step out of my heels and walk toward the monstrous penis before me.

I don’t quite believe what I’m saying, of course, but I have to try.

“This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience,” an Adult Entertainment Expo attendee told me as he signed his waiver before taking on the giant Johnson himself. He’s right. I probably will never see a seven-foot mechanical penis again in my life, let alone have the chance to ride one.

Dreamed up by a man (named Richard, go figure) in Minneapolis, the Bucking Penis is a mechanical contraption that you can rent for parties or porn conventions. It’s seven feet long. I’ve read that elephant penises typically only grow up to six-and-a-half feet.

The Bucking Penis has the same motor as your standard country-saloon joyride — except it also has a nozzle on the head that can squirt water into the surrounding crowd. Oh, and this thing draws a crowd. As I hoist myself onto the plastic penis, strangers at surrounding booths gravitate toward the attraction. People are busting out cameras. Luckily, I don’t think any of them are shooting video.

As the penis begins to move and flashes begin to go off around me, I try to squeeze the penis tight with my thighs, but the shaft is too slippery for this to do much good. I find myself thinking this would be a lot easier if I were naked. Then again, what isn’t?