Performing totally nude is no walk in the park, but it is a walk on the back

At the end of one of my first shifts at the Alaskan strip club, I was howling in pain. I laid face down on the filthy locker room carpet crippled with a tremendous ache in my lower back. “Owwww,” I moaned. I had a small Asian woman walk on my back. Then a much larger black woman took a go at it. The cramping was unbearable. She rubbed out the pain with her large tan feet. Out in the great Alaskan strip club frontier, work is serious. There is no sitting around in the VIP room getting paid several hundred hourly. There is no 3-for-$100 lap dance areas. There are only $20 dances. In high heels and 10-hour shifts, it feels like taking a hammer to your lumbar region.

Oh, and we show our vaginas onstage.

Lap dances are just topless but that kitty comes out to play when the spotlight is on you. I don’t mind the nudity so much but, like I wrote in a previous blog, I have difficulty being graceful when I’m trying to untangle my ankles from a stringy thong. I’ve sort of worked on different sexy wiggles to get it down my legs while standing but getting it off my shoes is challenging. Normally I can get it off of one foot because I can slip my right foot out while I pull it away from the left but then the left side is stuck as I try to shake it off like a wet dog shakes off water. This awkward show is all to sexy music and red lighting so I customers forgive me. Also they forgive me because I’m naked.

Speaking of bushes, I tried to grow a landing strip, which I have never done. Pretty much everyone, including me, goes completely bald. It’s just the fashionable hairstyle, or lack-of-hairstyle mind you. Landing strips are tricky, I think. It’s hard to trim both sides evenly. What I have going on in my pants right now, it reminds me of the results you might get when you hire the neighborhood kids to mow your lawn. I need a hairstylist. Or a landscaper.

Another thing that provides a greater physical challenge when working in Alaska versus Vegas is that all our lap dances are what are known as “air dances.” There is barely any contact. Your legs will touch the customers’ legs but all the goodies are prohibited from making contact with your customer. Vegas style lap dances are much easier. You get to throw all your body weight on customers and barely do any work in comparison to the Great Alaskan Air Dance. On the bright side, you don’t have to fight someone who is trying to grope you and you never have to compete against another dancer who is selling dirty dances.


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