Trying to rewind to the happy period, but nothing’s working

I have been up all night at home, exhausted but unable to sleep. I just want to crawl into his bed and sleep with him. I want to rewind to the part where we’re happy. I want to pretend that we didn’t notice there was anything wrong.

My boss told me he would give me the heartbreak discount if I went to work to dance. I probably should have gone just to be around people I know. Or just to drink off the pain. My tits hurt too much right now to be rubbing them on tourists. They’re a little swollen from PMS.

On top of that I miss Mom so much. I want to rewind to the part where she gave me a treat from her purse pharmacy to relax. She took the best care of me when I was dealing with my father’s death and sobbing like I have been for the past few days. We would eat pills and junk food in her king size bed under her pastel floral blankets. She would talk and talk about nothing important even as she was falling asleep. She cycled through the same stories and I knew them all. It was soothing white noise to me.

Everyone is gone now.

Why not fast-forward to the part where I’m thrilled to be single? I want to be laughing my ass off on midnight hikes in the Alaskan woods with my girlfriends. Let’s get to the part where I’m catching an ugly giant salmon. He’d take the bait into his bird beak looking fish mouth and struggle with tremendous strength to get away from me and back to his birthplace. Some of the fish that you really wanted sometimes get away. Then you’re standing in the water soaking wet and empty handed.

Right now, I want to fast forward straight to the end. Roll the credits!


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