A “Seinfeld” reunion? Jerry makes predictions at the Colosseum

If the saying “you can’t make something out of nothing,” had an ounce of truth to it, Jerry Seinfeld wouldn’t be where he is today. Or where he was last night for that matter, playing to an enthused crowd at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace as a headliner for The Comedy Festival. The master of observational comedy and star of the eponymous sitcom about nothing doesn’t have a shtick, really. He simply picks a vignette from a person’s life and points out the humor in it, skillfully teasing laughs out of every situation. Many other comics aspire to the same, of course, but Seinfeld has turned subtle joke-cracking into a virtual Olympic sport with his pithy quips.

Here are a few of the best musings from last night’s performance:

Opener Tom Papa asked why humans began eating animals and just stopped with the cat and dog, deciding to make them pets instead. He wondered how long it would be before fast food restaurants started incorporating domestic animals into their food. “I bet they have already started. You haven’t seen that Taco Bell dog in a while.”

Seinfeld took on everything from sex to war to prescription medicines, even discussing cooking techniques that he objected to. “Maybe if you didn’t reduce the sauce so much, you wouldn’t have to just drizzle it on.”

He claimed watching the news these days was overwhelming, because you constantly have to listen to the reporter and read the strip at the bottom. “Why can’t the news guy just read what’s on the strip?” Also, “I noticed when the news guy turns his head, his earpiece has a coiled cord on it. Where is his head going? Is he a newsman or is he a jack-in-the-box?” He noted that, “If there really was an accurate five day weather forecast, wouldn’t we only have to get the weather once every five days?”

On the war in the Middle East: “Why do we have all this footage of terrorist training camps yet we don’t seem to know where they are. Maybe we should follow the guy who drops off the film.”

On the growing addiction to sleep aids: “We drink these giant cups of coffee and then we have to take these giant horse sedatives just to get our eyelids out of our skulls. Maybe there’s a connection there?”

Seinfeld then turned his focus to the ridiculousness of the Cialis erectile dysfunction commercials with the couple in separate bathtubs by the ocean. “Why are they in separate tubs? Maybe that’s their problem. The couple has to lug two 5,000 pound ceramic tubs to the water’s edge, no wonder they have no energy left for lovemaking.”

On the On-Star craze and satellite assistance: “Is that why we conquered space? So we can help nit-wits who are locked out of their cars at the mall?”

Golf, he concluded, was a game designed for men to spend time away from home. “Golf is an acronym for Get Out, Leave Family.”

For the encore, Seinfeld returned to the stage to take a few questions from the audience. Most of the queries centered on the likelihood of a Seinfeld reunion or a movie. One man even wanted Seinfeld to adopt him. Then the crowd began begging him to say his famous “Hello Newman” line. Before he obliged, Seinfeld said, “Everyone always asks me to say ‘Hello Newman.’ I wonder what it’s like for that guy to walk down the street?” As to the movie question, rather than dismissing it, Seinfeld answered earnestly, “This moment should wait until all four careers are in the toilet, and we are working on that right now.”