Because a traditional candlelight dinner reminds us of all those years of loneliness, here's heads up on a few awesome and angst-free ways for couples and singletons to spend the impending holiday.
Party Like it's 2007: Pre-recession, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag were just harmlessly annoying media hogs. Now that they represent the excess that destroyed our economy, there's no better way to mourn your lost trophy wife than to watch these two reign over a VIP section that you can't get into.
Hipster V-Day: If you give out children's valentine's to your friends because "it's ironic," then your time is best spent in '70s hot pants and roller skates at the launch of the Down and Derby "retro-inspired roller-skating party" at the Beauty Bar.
Be my Anti-Valentine: There's no reason to waste a perfectly good Saturday night just because you're single. Head to the Rockhouse for its Love Stinks" party, where you can drown your sorrows in free drinks from 10 p.m. to midnight (if you're a pink-clad girl, that is).
Sexiest (*Growl*): Tao is hosting a Fredericks of Hollywood fashion show. We don't care what you say—they are totally hotter than Victoria's Secret. If a lingerie fashion show isn't enough, you can always revert to watching the regularly scheduled spectacle of Tao girls lounging in bathtubs.
Pushing It: Kitschy? Romantic? A culinary innovation? Let your date decide. Uncle Anglo's Pizza Joint in Jerry's Nugget Casino is serving heart-shaped pizza with a choice of two toppings, one for each love bird. Say it with us now—Awwww.