Vegas Escort Idol — a game whose time has come

There are plenty of fun games to play in Vegas that don’t involve chips, cards or a dealer wearing a vest that looks like your aunt’s living-room carpet. You can play Musical Bars, in which you chug your drink and run to the closest bar holding your ears and screaming every time a Nickleback song comes on. Or, try The Tourist Trip, a nasty bit of fun that involves heading to the Fremont Street Experience and tying together the shoelaces on tourists’ white sneakers while they gaze at the canopy in awe. (Note: You may hate yourself in the morning.)

COED magazine recently published its take on Vegas extracurriculars, with shockingly detailed directions for their game, Vegas Escort Idol.

The online-only magazine, which reads like Maxim for the college crowd, suggests having a little no-cost fun with our city’s many call girls:

“… the escorts in Las Vegas are refundable -- meaning if what you see when the girls show up doesn’t match your taste or what you requested you can send them packing without having to pay a dime.”

COED’s story then goes on to the list their six steps to play Vegas Escort Idol. It essentially boils down to this: Call an escort service and make a specific request (i.e. a blond shorter than 5-foot-5 who can hula hoop while standing on her hands, or Asian twins who know all the songs from My Fair Lady). Set up an Idol-style audition area and get yourself some clipboards and pens. (You don’t need any paper, because you won’t actually be writing anything down.) When the girl or girls arrive, have them audition for you and your friends. Singing is not required, dancing, gyrating showing off a bit of their lovely lady lumps is. The final, and most important, step is voting the girls out of your hotel room, so you won’t actually have to pay for the show. Then it’s on to the next set of escorts.

Remember, COED stresses, “The goal of Escort Idol … is to see as many girls do sexy things for free as possible.”

It’s all vaguely amusing, until you realize that the author of the story has actually played this game in Vegas. Like many visitors, apparently Steve (no last name given) was so blinded by the neon and cleavage that he completely forgot to give a crap about the working girls whose time he wasted playing Simon Cowell.

Next time, we suggest packing up the clipboards and pens and heading to one of Las Vegas’ many strip clubs for some sexertainment. Sure, you won’t get the elitist rush of sending your escorts home without even a tip, but there’s also a much smaller risk of you getting your kneecaps bashed in by the security folks hired to deal expressly with the folks who want to play but not pay. And if you really want a girl to dance for you for free, get a girlfriend; don’t come to Vegas.