Weekly Taste Test: Nine bags of Doritos and a cloud of dust

Frito-Lay recently announced the impending rollout of Taco Bell-flavored Doritos, further exploiting the successful fast-food partnership that spawned last year’s deliciously evil Doritos Locos Taco. But why wait to crunch on semi-questionable Doritos flavors? There’s lots of crazy stuff already out there, so the Weekly collected, taste-tested and rated nine bags on a scale of 1 (frightful) to 5 (life-changing). Behold!

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      1. Tapatio

      Average rating: 4.0 The Guadalajara-inspired hot sauce proves it’s good on everything.

      Tasting notes: “Gorgeous flavor.” “Zesty, tangy, spicy, gimme-another-y.” “High drunk-food enjoyment potential.” “The clear winner.”

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      2. Flamas

      Average rating: 3.9 Bright red and full of citrus and spice, the Doritos version of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

      Tasting notes: “Smells rather terrible.” “Starts limey and ends hot.” “Like fresh lime squeezed over chili-coated corn.”

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      3. Salsa Verde

      Average rating: 3.5 Perhaps the most mainstream option in our collection, the “green bag” offers a pleasant, vegetable-ish flavor.

      Tasting notes: “Muy caliente!” “Needs more kick.” “I might eat this again.” “The paradigm.”

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      4. Korean BBQ (?)

      Average rating: 3.4 We can’t read the language on the packaging, but based on the bag’s picture of ribs this seems like a barbecue flavor.

      Tasting notes: “A failed experiment.” “I’m turned off by the idea of meat-flavored tortilla chips, but I can’t argue with tasty.” “Totally weird, but I’d tap that.”

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      5. Sour Cream & Onion

      Average rating: 3.0 This throwback flavor seemed an odd choice for a tortilla chip. The results were mixed.

      Tasting notes: “Subtle. Lovely.” “Disgusting.” “In some ways it’s better than sour cream & onion potato chips.” “My breath hates me.”

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      6. Jacked Smoky Chipotle BBQ

      Average rating: 2.4 Larger, thicker and crunchier than regular Doritos, the Jacked sub-brand inspires equal parts fear and apathy.

      Tasting notes: “Too hard; almost seems stale.” “A kick at the end.” “Not enough lasting flavor.” “Smoky with a hint of trash fire.”

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      7. Dinamita Chile Limon

      Average rating: 2.3 Doritos’ Dinamitas are chips rolled into crunchy little tubes and doused with disturbingly bright-colored flavor dust.

      Tasting notes: “The taste is so right but the texture so wrong.” “What a mess.” “Lime flavoring on chips always tastes like chalk to me.” “Never again.”

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      8. Jumpin’ Jack

      Average rating: 2.2 Another retro-packaged variety, this one’s supposed to taste like Monterey Jack cheese. Allegedly.

      Tasting notes: “Too buttery.” “Throw me in a bucket of Velveeta and I’d be happier.” “Tastes like the 1950s.” “Yawn.”

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      9. Dinamita Nacho Picoso

      Average rating: 1.7 These “little sh*tsticks” scored lowest, possibly because some tasters couldn’t get past their toxic-cheesy aroma to actually try them.

      Tasting notes: “Blech.” “What was that?” “Like eating a cigarillo.” “This one makes me sad.”

      Tags: Dining

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