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Postmates answers your hungover prayers

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Marvin Lucas is in a codependent relationship with a delivery app. At one point, he was spending $200 a week on chicken wings and fried rice brought to his far-flung apartment. And rather than break up with Postmates, he moved. This dude has even had Jack in the Box delivered.

While he's managed to rein in the habit to once a week (Flock & Fowl Saturdays!), the Weekly’s senior designer still has mad love for the snack-bringing hero on the flying ride.

I've never used Postmates. You're the reason I've even heard of it. Why? It’s like the most convenient sh*t ever.

Because other people use BiteSquad. What’s that? (laughs)

Are they bike messengers? No, that’s just their logo. Oh! Look, I forgot to tip Dustin. So I spent $27; I just ordered at Le Thai.

You can get Le Thai from Postmates? Daaaaaang! Yeaaaaaah! That’s what I’m saying. I live Downtown, so it’s a $5 delivery. He was kinda late; he was maybe 20 minutes late.

He looks so nice, though. I’m gonna give him 10 percent, because he was kinda late.

The site says: Heap praise if you’d like. And you're giving him five stars? Always give praise.

Wait … If he was late to the point where you only tip 10 percent, why would you say he’s amazing? I didn’t say he was amazing. You always give five stars no matter how sh*tty it is.

Why is that? Because you gotta be nice. That’s their job. It’s not like they spit in your food. If they spit in your food, then you give them one star.

How do you know if they spit in your food? You don’t know.

That’s what I’m saying. So how would you ever— Listen to me, I always start with five stars, and then they’ll give me a reason to deduct a star.

But him being late is not a reason. Nah. He was just probably 20 minutes late.

[Eyes bulging out of face.] I wasn’t hungry! That’s why.

Interesting. Tip money, but not stars. I gave him 10 percent. That’s pretty good. I spent $30 on oxtail fried rice and a Thai tea!

You’re like a 90-year-old, tipping 10 percent. Are the delivery times preset? If I order from anywhere in this radius, it will give you the time. … The reason why I moved Downtown is so I can get to a closer radius to all the eateries. (laughs)

What happens after you order? Basically, this is like the Uber model. You order your food, and then you can track the guy.

Do you actually track them? Like, Where the f*ck is my fried rice? Exactly. It’s very similar to the Uber model, where if they’re running out of delivery people, they hike the price, they surge it up. It all starts with how far you are. It’s flat. It’s distance. Because I live Downtown and Le Thai is Downtown, it’s $5. But in Mountain’s Edge it was $25.

You were dropping 25 bones, without even the cost of food. That’s how lazy I was back then. Nah, I’ll tell you the reason. When Postmates first started, they were giving out free Viva Las Arepas, and drinks. This was maybe two years ago. They were giving out free arepas for a week; that’s why I got hooked. ... Look at all my deliveries.

Le Thai, Flock & Fowl, Wingstop, Jack in the Box—you got delivery from Jack in the Box?! (laughs) My niece doesn’t drive. I was far from her, she was hungry …

Whatever. Look! I delivered it to my parents’ house.

Arepas, Five Guys, Mochiko Chicken, Naked City; look at all the Arepas you’re eating! That was all the free ones.

Fat Choy is even in here? Everything is in here! I tested it out on Capriotti’s, across the street from my old building. That was like a waste of time; I just wanted to see how the model worked. And then after that I stepped out. It was all Mountain’s Edge, and then, boom! I went straight to Downtown and just never looked back.

Were you spending crazy amounts of money? There were times when I was like, Once a week! But it ended up being three times a week. Wasted so much money just on delivery fees.

What is it about Postmates that made it worth it? You don’t have to leave your house. Ever. You can order anywhere in the Valley if you got the money to cough up for those fees. And you can order whatever you want. I can order Blue Ribbon Fried Chicken right now. I can have it. In an hour.

When do you tend to order most? On the weekends when I’m hungover and I wake up around 11. I wake up half-awake, and I know I’m gonna order food ’cause I’m gonna go back to sleep.

A lot of this food is fine to be delivered and sit in a container, but what about stuff that gets too soggy? Don’t order burgers. Also, fried chicken.

So you can’t really have Blue Ribbon Fried Chicken … You can. If you want soggy chicken. (laughs)

Nobody wants soggy chicken! What are the best things to order that can stand up to the delivery time? Asian food.

How many nights a week are you using Postmates? I cook more at home now. But usually on the weekends, when I’m hungover and I don’t want to cook or anything, I order Flock & Fowl on Saturdays.

Once a week, on hungover day. Usually once a week, yeah, but before it was three, four times a week.

And how much were you spending then? Like a week? Maybe $200.

Do you think it’s actually a good thing that you never have to leave your house, ever? Or do you think that could end up being sort of a backfire situation, where a person becomes Howard Hughes with pee in Mason jars? That’s how they started in Wall-E, you know, how everyone got big and fat? This is the beginning of it.

So you love Postmates, but you feel that it could be the start of the apocalypse. Nah, nah. You gotta do everything in moderation!

What about your doling out of stars? You’re not doing that in moderation. I don’t wanna talk about that. (laughs)

Tags: Dining, Featured, Food
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