Vegas Bashing, Quantified

Seriously, what’s Austin got on these hotties?

2010 was a rough year for Southern Nevada. High unemployment, lots of foreclosures—you know the spiel. This year, the unpleasant reminders of Las Vegas’ current state came in overly simplified, easily digestible list form, with our city ranking near the top of more than a few lists that started with the word “worst.” Blame it on VH1, Men’s Health or human nature, but lists are more popular than ever.

While past rankings focused mostly on data like population size and crime, new lists are cropping up to cover all sorts of arbitrary criteria. Dumbest, drunkest, sexiest—Vegas transformed into America’s numeric whipping boy this year. Let’s look back at the welts, and who was holding the whips:

#1 Dumbest City in the America, Daily Beast

So Las Vegas doesn’t have a lot of libraries. And only 7 percent of over-25 residents have graduate degrees. Do you have any idea how much those things cost nowadays? The Daily Beast gave our fair city a dismal IQ score of 3.33, but a lot of economists and pundits would argue that going straight to work— instead of racking up hundreds of thousands in student loans—is smart.

#11 Drunkest City in America, Men’s Health

Sorry, Men’s Health, but number of DUI arrests is a terrible criterion for determining a city’s drunkenness. DUI arrests don’t reflect drinking any more than they reflect vigilant law enforcement. If we didn’t send our cops out at night, we’d have zero DUI arrests. So what? Also, don’t blame us for the Californian and Arizonan tourists who come to our city, get plastered and then cruise around. That’s like taking your trash to a friend’s house, dumping it on his couch and then complaining about the stench in his den.

#1 Most Stressed Out City, Forbes

You know how when you’re stressed and someone says, “Boy, you look stressed out!” it pisses you off even more? Well, Forbes, the same thing goes for lists. We wouldn’t be so stressed if you stopped putting us at the top of your Crappiest City lists. And when you list America’s second most stressed-out city as LA, it makes us wonder whether you have the words “most” and “least” confused, brah.

#70 Sexiest City, Men’s Health

Have you guys ever been to Vegas? I promise you, we have a lot of sexy girls here. In fact, we’re kinda known for it. And I hate to burst your condom, but sale of birth control doesn’t indicate instances of sex. It’s called “unprotected sex”—look it up in your pre-George W. Bush sex ed textbooks. Lastly, we can be sexy without actually putting out. Just because you didn’t hook up with the Haze cocktail server you were hitting on doesn’t mean she ain’t sexy. It means she’s out of your league. That’s your problem, not ours.

#5 Worst Economy in the World, Brookings Institution.

Okay, this one is hard to refute. The good news is, Las Vegas is in position to bounce back. As soon as Americans gets some spending cash, they’re going to fly here and give it to us. And that’s why Las Vegas Weekly has named Las Vegas The #1 City With The Biggest Hope For Turnaround.


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