I have trouble sleeping, so I watch a lot of infomercials. Mike Levey, Brenda DyGraf, Ron Popeil—these are my lifelong friends. They’re concerned for my well-being, and they bend over backwards to bring me amazing products at a reasonable price (plus shipping and handling). So it’s a pleasure to attend the 2012 Moxie Awards (the infomercial Emmys) and see these info impresarios acknowledged for their hard late-night work.

The audience is packed with inventors, actors and pitchmen, women in pearls and men in fancy suits and thick glasses. We’re dining on Caesar salad and steaks and watching a “Call Me Maybe” music video parody starring those in the biz.

“What a great video to start us off,” the ceremony’s host says, “But wait—there’s more!” He encourages the winners to keep their speeches to 30 seconds, “Or you’ll be played off, like the Oscars.”

Best Use of an Online Video goes to Guthy-Renker for, “What if Justin Bieber knocked on your door to give you some Proactiv?” The guy accepting the award brings a chair to the stage and Eastwoods an invisible Bieber: “Justin, go back to your cage; go back to using Proactiv.”

Octaspring edges out Leg Magic X and Pajama Jeans for Best Long Form International DRTV Production, and “Solutionist” Akos Jankura beats out Susan Lucci for Best Live Shopping On-Air Guest, thus confirming the Lucci Curse.

After a video montage featuring SNL-like infomercial parodies (e.g., the Electronic Yodeling Pickle, Snail-Off, Cremation Urns in Your Likeness), Montel Williams walks away with the evening’s top honor: the Electronic Retail Association’s Direct Response Icon Award.

Congrats to the evening’s winners. And thanks for keeping me company.