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[The How-To Issue]

How to not be obnoxious on social media

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Filthy Little Hands

DON’T:

1. Post a picture of your wound. We’re sorry you’re hurt, but we don’t need proof.

2. Flash your post-workout abs. Every. Single. Day. Hey, congrats on working out 1,426 days in a row. We don’t care!

3. Oh, your gym smoothie? Zzzzz.

4. Ditto Starbucks cups, except when the barista comically misspelled your name.

5. Unless it’s ironic, keep the cat pics to yourself. Actually, same goes for ironic. No cat pics.

6. You’re cute. We like your face. But selfies every day, from the same damn angle, with duck lips? No.

7. Don’t like posts announcing deaths. You like that my grandpa died? What the hell is wrong with you?

8. Speaking of family, you are not your child. Don’t make him your profile picture.

9. And speaking of profile pictures, current photos only. You’re not fooling anyone, and while your feathered bangs did rock the ’90s, they don’t anymore. Embrace the now.

10. Last but not least, avoid being vague or passive-aggressive. Don’t condemn your nameless friends for their also-unnamed transgressions. Same goes for hospital selfies without explanation—captionless IV pics are the worst. If you want sympathy, request it outright. After all, we’re your friends!

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