The One-Minute Cocktail Critic: Sparks, a New Alcohol-Energy Drink
Booze connoisseur Maria Phelan will try anything—once: I've been sent home with a mission—try a new citrusy alcoholic energy drink-thing called Sparks. First drink—disgusting! It's like bad Red Bull and vodka with a strong dose of cough syrup. I take four or five more painful sips, and the Sparks starts to taste better, but I suspect that's because it's killing my taste buds. A few more drinks and Sparks is starting to taste very bland, in a my-entire-mouth-has-gone-dead sort of way. By halfway through the can, I give up. The Sparks is gross, and it's not making me feel either more energetic or at all tipsy, but I'm starting to get a stomachache. I tip the rest of the can down the drain—I suspect this is the wisest thing one can do with Sparks.
The Lazy Man's Philanthropy
Editor Scott Dickensheets has some thoughts on the many charity walks, fun-runs and dog trots he hears about: Ugh. Walking? Look, I'm 42; my back is killing me; my knees will need replacing next time I kneel to pet the cat; it's a testament to the preservative powers of Diet Coke that I'm even alive right now. I can't walk any farther than the distance from my car to the magazine rack at Barnes & Noble. Why isn't there a "drive to work for charity" fund-raiser? Why isn't there a "plop on the couch, watch TV and yell at the kids for charity" event? Why can't I sign up sponsors who'll donate a buck for every 100 e-mails I answer in a day? Why can't we put the "chair" in "charity" with an event that lets me raise funds by sitting around for a while? Low-impact money-extraction: Let me suggest that as philanthropy's new wave. For those unencumbered by age, infirmity or early-onset crankiness, AFAN's AIDS Walk, a good event for a good cause, will be held April 18. Check www.afanlv.org for details.
Celine Dion's Top Five Birthday Wishes
Celine Dion's birthday was March 30. While at press time, we had no idea of exactly how the multi-multi-award-winning singer celebrated her 36th birthday, our mini spy microphone, disguised as a birthday candle, did catch her five wishes:
1. A new Sebring
2. Peace between the Canadian federal government and Quebec separatists
3. A husband younger than Gandalf, and without a "love of gaming."
4. Poutine on the menu at Cafe Largo
5. For people to stop making jokes comparing her figure to the Celine Dion swizzle sticks for sale in the gift store.
What? Someone Came to Vegas and Wrote Schlock?
It's official. "Las Vegas" has officially replaced "UFO" as the subject magazine editors fall back on to sell copies.
How do we know? Because "Travel + Leisure" sells its April issue with the picture of a sultry slot-player and "Las Vegas Secrets: Sin City Revealed" on the cover. And like headlines that promise to reveal UFO secrets, the payoff is nothing. That is, unless you count as "something" the overstated priggishness of its author (and we use that word lightly) and his article-long attempt to 1. Make Las Vegas boring, and 2. Add himself to the infinite list of cliché scribblers.
The first "secret" revealed: Vegas is no longer family friendly. Well, if it ever was, that trend ended when the MGM closed its theme park a millennia ago.
The first cliché: The hardened showgirl: He says he sees "a hungover showgirl without her makeup and with an unexplained bruise on her left cheek." See, the "left cheek" detail lets you in on the fact that he really did see something he believed to be a showgirl. Sure, he might have tried to talk to her, but that might have ruined the cliché.
Of course, there's just gotta be dirty old men and stupid young women: "Middle-aged hairweaves with liposuctioned abs finger Viagra tablets in their swim trunks pockets while hitting on twenty-ish nose jobs with store-bought breasts and teeth so white they could be worn on a necklace."
And, surprise, the story wraps up with a trip to three strip clubs and (snicker, snicker) a lap dance.
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