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[Confessions of a Showgirl]

Confessions of a Showgirl: A showgirl’s political agenda

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Maren Wade

On Tuesday, November 4, I was asked to be a part of the press coverage of Election Day. This being my first stint as an interviewer, I needed to be taken seriously. I dedicated my days before the election to brainstorming and coming up with my best questions. If this went well, I could be the next Cynthia Rowley on CNN.

Wait, this just in: I need to issue a correction. Apparently, Cynthia Rowley is a fashion designer. The correct name is Candy Crowley. (Okay, I have a confession to make. I don’t watch much news not related to being a showgirl.) Anyway, let me try this again …

So while Candy Crowley was busy interviewing senators and congresspersons on CNN’s State of the Union, I was busy interviewing a Panda and a Peacock Princess on the state of their union. That’s right! Confessions of a Showgirl is taking off! This showgirl couldn’t have been more thrilled to conduct an in-depth exclusive interview with the cast of Panda! at the Palazzo.

Panda! is about a heroic panda named Long Long, who has to rescue his beloved Peacock Princess-Bride from a ruthless Demon-Vulture and other acrobatic animals. I followed this brave Panda on his perilous mission to save his true love. (Call it beginner’s luck, but I’m pretty sure I snagged the story of the century.)

Since plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery, I decided to ask the same questions Candy Crowley did on Election Day. Of course, I had to adjust the questions slightly, but I’m including both Candy’s and my versions for reference. (I’ll let you decide who should be appearing on CNN’s State of the Union. I’m sure we all agree, however, that it should be the showgirl.)

I marched backstage at the Palazzo Theater ready for my first major political interview.

Question 1:

Candy Crowley: Senator Rand Paul, after this election, do you think the left or right wing will be in control and will a split hurt your caucus?

Maren Wade: Ms. Peacock Princess, being a contortionist, which do you favor more, your left or right wing and will a split hurt your carcass?

Question 2:

Candy Crowley: Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi, your party lost the House and now it has lost the Senate. How do you feel these losses will affect your party in the future?

Maren Wade: Mr. Panda, do you have a house? And if so, do you ever have parties in your house?

Question 3:

Candy Crowley: Senator McConnell, do you think the radical factions in your party will be a disruptive influence?

Maren Wade: Mr. Panda, do you think the jumping monkeys in the show are a disruptive influence?

Question 4:

Candy Crowley: Senator, did you ever pander to any special interests to get to where you are today?

Maren Wade: Ms. Peacock Princess, did you ever panda to the panda?

Okay, I have another confession to make. I was so excited to ask my questions that I forgot to pay attention to the answers.

I’m a showgirl. I’m not Brian Wilson.

This just in again. Apparently Brian Wilson was the songwriter for the Beach Boys. Brian Williams is the anchor for NBC Nightly News.

Anyway, one of the perks of being an interviewer was that I got to see the show as well. They were not kidding. Panda! is an unprecedented theatrical spectacle. This was acrobatics and production at its best. They really bent over backwards (sometimes on one hand) to put on a good show. It was flippin' good!

So in the end, I’m sure you’re wondering whom I voted for. It’s a careful balancing act. Although the peacock appealed to me for its rainbow coalition (not that I really know what that means), ultimately, I had to vote for the panda. I’ll confess it was not a black and white decision.

I will be submitting this cutting-edge interview to CNN. So stay tuned. I’m sure it will be on the news. Wait, does that mean I have to start watching the news if I’m on it?

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