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[Confessions of a Showgirl]

Confessions of a Showgirl: Breaking the showgirl code

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Maren Wade

Some of you might not know this but I lead a double life. I’m also a super-secret agent, protecting the nation by fighting crime and decoding classified information.

They call me Agent Double D Seven.

Okay, I have a confession to make. I’m not a double D. But I do speak code and I’m going to decode one of the wonders of the world for you: the Showgirl Code.

We showgirls don’t always say what we mean. There’s a fine line between the words coming out of our mouths and the message intended. And by fine, picture the length of the Grand Canyon. But do not fear; I will shed light on the true showgirl meanings of these commonly used sayings.

"Great show!" If you are a showgirl and another showgirl says this to you after seeing your show, it means your performance did not succeed in making your friend jealous. In this case, “great” means you did a great job of making your fellow showgirl feel superior.

On the other hand, you should be grateful she didn’t say, “Good show.” Notice the absence of the exclamation mark. If you get one of those, well, you should get out of the business altogether.

So what does a showgirl say to you when she really does think your performance was great? "I’m so happy for you." (See my past explanation of this one. It’s too traumatic to rehash.)

"You are so sickeningly talented." Take note of the word “sickeningly.” If that’s not there, you aren’t talented at all. If you are lucky enough to be told this, it means you have made your fellow showgirl sick with envy and you are truly a force to be reckoned with.

"I hate her but in a good way." This is the ultimate showgirl term of endearment. Every showgirl should aspire to be this good, but there are pros and cons here. The pro is that you are so good she hates you. The con is she actually hates you.

"You look so healthy." This is very bad. You are obviously one step away from being put on weight probation. Better to starve yourself than to starve your bank account.

"I’m so looking forward to this break. I can’t wait to have some me time." This means this showgirl is out of work and dreading it. She will spend her time distraught with anxiety while Facebook-stalking all her employed showgirl friends, eating ice cream and praying no one tells her how healthy she looks.

When a showgirl leaves a show before its run she might say: "We mutually parted ways." It means she got fired. Change the subject immediately.

In the morning, after a long night of drinking (because you didn’t change the subject immediately) you might say: "I’m going to detox." This means it’s time to cure your hangover with a Bloody Mary.

"You are such a natural beauty." This is so offensive, talking about your breast size like that! This is no friend. A showgirl is not in the business of looking natural. As I’ve said before, if we don’t look fake, we aren’t doing our job.

"What a cute picture of us. I’m going to Instagram this!" This means she looks great and you don’t. Plus, that showgirl is probably an expert in Photoshop. If you ever want to spot the Photoshop expert in your social media feeds, look for the showgirl in the picture with no flaws and no facial features except her eyes and mouth.

You know you've arrived when you become an adjective. Let me give you an example: “You are being so Confessions of a Showgirlish right now.” This is the biggest compliment of all—to me, at least. If people are talking about you, then you are showgirling it up.

The absolute worst thing a showgirl can say is … Nothing! There is no bigger insult than being ignored. If you have any decency at all, at least say something mean. But to say nothing is a blunt dagger through a showgirl’s heart. It’s even worse than the five words a showgirl never wants to hear.

Please note: This showgirl decoding is top secret. It’s imperative you guard this information with your life. If this got into the wrong hands, it could be an issue of national security. (And by wrong hands, I mean the hands of another showgirl.)

Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade and read more Confessions at confessionsofashowgirl.com.

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