Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in the position of manwhore at the Shady Lady Brothel, “Where the Rubber Meets the Road,”® the road being your penis.

We have reviewed your application with great interest, and we appreciate you coming in to allow our inspectors to verify your claims of length and circumference. Sorry it took so long, but all your descriptions were in metric.

However, we will not be requiring your talents in our organization. Certain discrepancies arose which troubled us. A call to some of your former girlfriends revealed a common nickname, “Minuteman.” Also, watching Big Brother After Dark and Hung does not count as “experience.”

Finally, there was a bit of a snag with your references; we were unable to contact Fred Garvin and Deuce Bigelow.

Best of luck in your endeavors—and any chance of an actual relationship.

The Management