Unlike older millennials who dabbled in compatibility-based dating sites like Match or OkCupid, I started dating on apps in college. Tinder, “the hookup app,” was popular then. That was more than 10 years ago. After I graduated, there was Bumble. Then Hinge came along. And Gen Z these days might be using some app I’m not cool enough to know about yet.
The digital dating universe is vast. You can have bad experiences—like, really bad. You can endanger your safety or health if you’re not careful. But if you play your cards right, you can also potentially find your best friend or the love(s) of your life. I’ve experienced or seen it go both ways.
So how do you end up on the side with the good results? There’s no silver bullet, because everyone’s dating styles and goals are different. But one place to start is to weigh the pros and cons.
Pros
You must look within. Profile formats vary depending on the app. But generally, creating one requires you to know about yourself, your identity and your preferences. And while there are many people who don’t need an app to know these things, there are also many who benefit from being prompted to think intentionally about them.
Open up your social circle. There are a lot of people on the apps who just moved to Las Vegas, or they’re going through a life change (breakup, divorce, mid-life crisis, etc.) and just need to go outside their norms and introduce more spontaneity in their lives. That can be nice, if that’s the energy you’re going for.
Choose your own adventure. It’s not all hookups. Now, most apps allow users to display their intentions—whether they’re looking for a friend, a friend with benefits, life partner, unicorn. It’s good to have that information up front so you don’t waste time on someone whose goals don’t align with yours.
Cons
It’s a time suck. You can spend hours swiping, which could be better spent meeting people in the real world through activities or volunteering. Many an hour have I spent sitting and swiping, when I could’ve been talking to some cutie at a bar or the gym.
Catfishing and fraud. Sometimes people aren’t who they say they are in their profile, which can be a minor annoyance or something more nefarious. And face verification doesn’t screen for lies. Compared to dating IRL, by using an app, you’re increasing your chances of being scammed.
Losing faith in humanity. There are a lot of terrible profiles that range from boring to offensive. You might have to swipe through 100 profiles to find one that’s worth pursuing, and that can be demoralizing and make you feel like it’s impossible to find what you’re looking for.
Verdict
To app or not to app? It depends. Consider first your sense of identity, mental health and whether you are resilient to rejection and disappointment. If those things are not in line, you’re going to have a bad time. If they are in line, then things will fall into place.
The most valuable lesson I’ve learned from using dating apps is patience. Like with most things that are worthwhile, it’s a long game. If you’re on there to find a date for that wedding you’re going to next week, it’s more likely they’re going to be random and not a good fit. If you spread your swiping out over time, you might find a good catch that’s right for you.
Most importantly, be smart and safe. Meet in public places. Tell a friend where you’re going and check in with them after. Watch your drink. Use protection. Don’t share your phone number or where you live until you’re sure they’re safe. Don’t end up in a true crime documentary. Oh yeah—and try to have fun!
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