For the Person Who Bark, Bark, Woof, Growl, Bark
Dog Translator
You say to your dog, "What is it, boy, is it a fire? Is it a fire?" Now, thanks to "Bow lingual," he can tell you, "No, I'm just happy I can lick myself." This device claims to translate your dog's noises, be it yelp, whimper or woof, into English. It consists of a microphone in the dog's collar, which beams barks to a handheld receiver, which matches the noise in a dog database, analyzing it and transforming into words and illustrations on the LCD screen. Some of the 200 phrases include "How boring," "I'm lonely" and "Let's play."
$119 [www.spilsbury.com/]
For the Republican Who Likes to Play with Dolls—or the Democrat Who Likes to Play with Dolls Ironically
George W. Bush Aviator Doll
There hasn't been enough time to craft a doll of W. slopping turkey and gravy onto plates for the troops during his impromptu trip to Iraq last Thursday, so this figure will have to do for your little Bush-whacker. It's a fully poseable replica of the president, at a 1:6 scale, of his historic landing May 1, 2003, on the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN-72) in the Pacific Ocean, when he announced the "end" of the war. Little George is wearing a fully detailed cloth flight suit, helmet with oxygen mask, survival vest, G-pants, parachute harness and "much more," according to the website's description. May make an interesting playmate with the Saddam keychain (go to www.stupid.com).
$39.99 [www.KBtoys.com]
For the Theologian
The Brick Testament
Author and atheist Brendan Powell Smith was inspired one day to construct the Bible out of Legos. "There I was, enjoying a leisurely lunch one evening at the local Taco Bell, when suddenly my bean burrito burst into flames and I heard the unmistakable voice of God," he recounts in the book's introduction. This book is the result of that godly voice, and it's truly a divine work. Highlights include a Lego Jacob wrestling a LegoGod, Lego heads drowning when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, and the slaughtering of a Lego goat with a felt coat of many colors used as the weapon.
$8.97 [www.chronicle-books.com]
For the Other Theologian
Pop-Criminal Gifts
The same ministry that brought you such slogans as "You make Jesus vomit," "Baptists for limp wrists," and "Christian crack whore ministries" is venturing into the pop-culture/pop-criminal (some alleged) realm. Choose from mugs with a wreath made of pills that say "Merry Christmas, from Rush Limbaugh," shirts and totes that say "Let Winona shop for Christmas," and "Michael made bail: Do you know where your children are?" bumper stickers, T-shirts and mugs. And, of course, the site still brims with classics, like "God told me to hate you," "Love the sinner, hate their clothes!" and "Flatter Jesus—or he'll torture you in hell!"
Prices vary [www.bettybowers.com]
For the Person Who Needs Something to Talk About
Adopt Your Loved One a ...
... Minefield
For the person who has everything—everything but a minefield! For $25,000 and up, you can sponsor the clearing of land mines in Afghanistan, Bosnia, Herzegovina, Cambodia, Croatia and Mozambique. Don't feel pressured to buy the entire minefield—the organization accepts smaller donations to help with the campaign.
[www.landmines.org]
... Star
For $54, plus shipping and handling (huh?) you can name a star. Package includes certificate, sky chart with your star's location circled in red, a booklet on astronomy and a letter of congratulations. Congratulations!
[http://www.star-registry.com]
... Manatee:
For $35 you receive an adoption certificate, a biography of your manatee and membership to Jimmy Buffet's Save the Manatee club.
[www.savethemanatee.org]
... Humpback Whale:
Choose from Icarus, Zeppelin, Trident or other humpbacks, and for $38 you receive a picture and biography of your whale, plus an audio CD of whale sounds, an adoption button and a one-year subscription to Flukeprints, a publication by the Whale Center of New England.
[www.whalecenter.org/adopt.htm]
... Or:
An acre on the moon: www.lunarestates.com
A platoon soldier: www.adoptaplatoon.org
A native elder: www.anelder.org
A turkey: www.adoptaturkey.org
An ancient Egyptian animal mummy: www.animalmummies.com
A marmot: www.marmots.org
For the Person With an Underdeveloped Sense of Kitsch
Free Michael Jackson T-Shirt
Because what's a celebrity arrest without a "Free [insert celebrity here]" T-shirt? As long as Michael remains behind bars, er, holed up at Green Valley Ranch, none of us is truly free.
[http://yque.com/ekay/surmaswitdes.html]
For the Person for Whom Klingon Lessons Aren't Enough
Star Trek Light Controller Thingie
As kids, we always envied two things on Star Trek. One was the cool doors that whooshed open as you drew near. The second was a computer that could be operated just by speaking to it. Even better, it answered you! Automatic doors at supermarkets took care of the first, and now, undoubtedly thanks to alien-supplied, back-engineered technology from Area 51, our second dream is here. Well, kind of. The folks at SmartHome are offering the Star Trek Voice Operated Dimmer. Just plug the high-tech-looking gadget into a socket, plug in a light and you're off at warp 8. Say "Computer ... low" and your lights dim. Say "Computer ... off," and your cabin plunges into darkness, just in time for your rendevous with that green-skinned slave girl. The device even confirms your requests with the same voice as the computer in the TV shows and movies.
[www.smarthome.com/2017.html]
For the Guy Who Needs a Little Help Jump-Starting His Lady's Passion, and Isn't That All of Us at One Time or Another?
Nexcite Drink
For a guy, it's always confusing trying to figure out how to get that special woman in your life in the mood. (Men, as you know, are easy.) Spanish fly is too hard to come by, diamonds are too expensive, and we've always found oysters gross. Now, just in time for the holiday gift-giving season is a concoction called Nexcite, that promises to get your lady's engine revving faster than Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve.
The website is chock full of testimonials, mostly from Bill Clinton's home state of Arkansas, including this gem: "I danced like I never danced before." At a mere $10 a bottle, it's cheaper than a good merlot, and way cheaper than a bottle of tequila—our usual seduction method. The blue beverage is made from a top-secret mixture of damiana, a Latin American bush (no giggling) said to be an aphrodisiac, and schizandra, a small red fruit from a large bush (we said no giggling!) from China, also an aphrodisiac.
[www.nexcitus.com]
For a Good Comrade
Copper Diving Helmet from the Russian Navy
Is someone you know pissed at the Patriot Act? Get them this wonderful piece of Commie aqua-batics so they can protest their country in one of the most politically offensive ways possible. And dig the bonus: It's 19 inches high, 44 inches in circumference and weighs a massive 32 pounds crushing down on your neck! Perfect for bubble baths.
$1,250 [sovietski.com]
For the Person on Your List Least Likely to Seek Vengeance
Shinto Samurai Sword
$575 [museum-replicas.com]
For Hanukkah Revelers Sick of Cheap Plastic Dreidels
Plaza Menorah
Stumped for a memorable Hanukkah gift? Look no further than this nearly 6-foot-tall menorah. Ideal for all those giant Jewish basketball players that are so hard to shop for, and when they have company over to the house, it can double as a kosher coat rack.
$250 [jewishsource.com]