Growing old, as it turns out, is easy. It's the growing up that is kicking my ass.
Every Sunday night, after I tuck my children into bed with kisses, prayers and bedtime stories that range from you won't believe what happened on my last blind date to beautiful maidens who keep kissing princes that keep turning into frogs, I sit in front of my computer and write my column.
But this Sunday night, as I sat staring at the blank monitor in front of me, I realized that I had absolutely nothing to say. I was drawing a complete blank. The words weren't coming to me. I didn't have the normal stream of consciousness because, truth be told, I hadn't done anything worth writing about all week.
People don't want to know that I've been sitting around all week wearing out my flannel pajamas, ordering pizza and flipping through 900 channels of digital cable. And that for the sake of having something interesting to write about, I actually forced myself to go to a Halloween party; but that as soon as I got there, it was painfully clear that even though I was surrounded by happy party-goers, I had never felt more alone. So I went home, slipped back into my PJ's, which were standing upright in the corner from lack of laundry detergent, and watched The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood for the umpteen-millionth time.
"What's wrong?" asked my preteen son, who is not only my inspiration but also my biggest fan. Although he's never read my column and knows that it is rated R for Relationship stuff that he's too young to understand, he is thrilled at the response it's gotten. When we are at the bookstore or the market or the coffee shop and people ask if I write Wink, he is always the first to say, "Yes she does. And, she's my mom and I'm very proud of her."
People can't believe his candor. He is an old soul, my young son. Wise beyond his years, always has been. When I first decided to write a relationships column, I sat both of my children down and discussed it with them at length. I explained that I wanted to chronicle my life as a woman who, after a 10-year marriage suddenly found herself back in the dating game. That I wanted to share my experiences with people in similar situations and that I wanted to write stories that came from the heart about the good, the bad and the ugly things that happen out there in the great, big, scary world of dating. But I also promised them that if at any time they became uncomfortable or embarrassed with what I was doing, I would quit right then and there, no questions asked.
"The only reason I would ever become uncomfortable or embarrassed by you, mom, is if you ever gave up on your dreams," my son said. "If you want to be a writer, then you write. If it doesn't work out, then at least you gave it your best shot. At least you tried. Don't worry about what anyone thinks, just be yourself and you'll be great."
"Yeah, you go girl," my daughter said. "Girls rule, boys drool!" she added, slugging her brother in the arm. And so I created Wink. My forum for discussing the ins and outs and ups and downs of relationships. Something that for the past 16 months has come easily to me. Until now.
"I don't know," I answered my son. "I don't have anything to say. I'm empty. I haven't gone on any crazy dates, haven't had any wacky experiences, I'm drawing a complete blank."
"Well, then, that's your story. Write that and you'll be awesome. You put too much pressure on yourself, mom. People don't expect you to be funny or happy or wacky or zany every week, they respond to you because you're human. I hear them when they say things like, 'I could totally relate to your last story,' or when they have thanked you for saying it like it is, and when they show sincere concern for something that you cared enough to share about yourself. It's your honesty that people can relate to, Mom. You're beautiful and smart and funny. You're also single, and you're allowed to date and to fall in love and to fail. That's what life is all about. Right now you're empty? So be empty. Just be honest, and people will understand, they've all been there before. Trust me. Sweet dreams." He yawned and rolled on to his side.
What else would I expect from a child who, when asked at school to complete a how-to project listing five steps to completing something, stood up after the boy who presented "How to build a snowman" and announced that his project was entitled, "How to successfully endure the divorce of your parents"? He received an A-plus, and I received a phone call from his teacher praising not only him, but me for having such a wonderful, insightful, honest and brave child. And for encouraging him to always share from his heart.
A lesson that he had now turned around and used on me.
I guess there's a lesson to be learned in every situation. When we are happy, we should sing, dance and embrace that emotion. So, too, should we be able to just be empty when we have hit a wall. Because we are not alone in that empty place. Many have gone before us. It doesn't last forever, thank God, and when you take a moment to be grateful for all the love and support you are surrounded by, you can be lonely, but you'll never be alone.
As I reach 37 years old, the only thing I am certain of is that when I grow up, I want to be just like my son.