The Senate chamber is packed; the balcony is standing-room only. A phalanx of photographers is clicking furiously, as a lone woman is sworn in before the committee. She is singer Britney Spears.
THOMAS KEAN: Thank you for appearing before the committee Ms. Spears. Are you comfortable? Can we get you anything? A cushion? A lozenge?
BRITNEY SPEARS: (Consults with attorney, then leans in toward microphone): No thank you, Senator.
KEAN: I would like to begin, and the question on everyone’s mind, I think, is your televised kiss with Madonna on the recent MTV Awards, and its resultant influence on our children, and the culture at large. Can you tell the committee why you have begun putting more emphasis on your sexuality?
SPEARS: I don’t want to be responsible for young people. I’m getting older, and a lot of the things I do aren’t going to relate to a 7 year old.
KEAN: This was a planned publicity stunt, was it not Ms. Spears?
SPEARS: I was just doing my job. Some people get up in the morning and adjust mortgage loans; I smooch Madonna. It’s not like I’m the first one to ever do it.
KEAN: Ms. Spears, please, Madonna is not on trial here ...
SPEARS: I’m just saying, if you want to call material witnesses, we’ll need a bigger room.
RICHARD BEN-VENISTE: Good afternoon, Ms. Spears. I would like to bring to your attention recent statements by your pastor, who said he was disappointed with your image. Could you comment?
SPEARS: That’s his opinion. We have different belief systems. When you think about it, religion has caused a lot of wars. In these days of uncertainty and unrest, should we not rely less on religion, and instead look inside ourselves?
(Spontaneous crowd applause)
BOB KERREY: Ms. Spears, I would like to address the issue of suggestive lyrics …
(One of Spears’ attorneys grabs the microphone): Mr. Chairman, have we not persecuted this woman enough? This committee owes Ms. Spears an apology, Senator! An apology!
(The crowd agrees, shouting for an apology)
The members of the committee are stymied; this witness has proven tougher than they had anticipated. Spears is is making Condoleeza Rice look like Don Knotts. There is now a hush over the Senate Chamber, broken only by the light, peaceful snoring of Senator Kennedy.
But suddenly, a committee member at the far end of the table reaches for her microphone. It is Jessica Simpson.
JESSICA SIMPSON: Hello, Britney.
SPEARS: (Icily) Hello, Jessica.
SIMPSON: Oh, I’m sorry, was that your voice, or were you lip-synching? We’re never quite sure.
(There is an audible “Ewwwwww” from the crowd)
SPEARS: (Visibly perturbed) Did you have a question?
SIMPSON: I would like to call your attention to March 5, 2002, when at a party at Nick’s house, you told everyone present that your popularity seemed to be fading, and that you wanted to remake yourself in the image of Gwen Stefani.
SPEARS: Tha .. that’s not true!
SIMPSON: Did you or did you not begin to cry when you heard someone refer to Avril Levigne as “The Anti-Britney”?
SPEARS: I wasn’t crying. I have allergies!
SIMPSON: And of your young fans, did you not, at my wedding shower, say that you missed them, and wished that you could put on jammies and have a slumber party like the old days? Did you not, only one month ago, refer to boys as “icky”?
(The crowd gasps)
SPEARS: No! Didn’t you see my Esquire cover?
SIMPSON: Ms. Spears, do the lyrics of “Touch of My Hand” not refer to masturbation? And did you not say to Christina Aguilera only one week ago that, as far a sex goes, that’s as far as you have ever gone?
SPEARS: That’s privileged information! I want that stricken from the …
SIMPSON: Ms. Spears! You are in fact still a virgin, are you not? Remember, you are under oath!
SPEARS: It’s a lie!
SIMPSON: Remember who you’re talking to, Britney! It’s all an act, isn’t it? You’re as pure as Julie Andrews in Sound of Music!
(Audience murmurs)
SIMPSON: This “bad girl” routine is something that Jive Records cooked up to revitalize your career! What’s next, a well-timed “wardrobe malfunction”? Or will you buy the elephant man’s bones?
SPEARS: You … you stinker!
Spears is weeping now, mascara running down her face as Senator Kean pounds his gavel to quiet the crowd. Reporters scurry down the aisles, racing to the press room. Later that day, GQ quietly cancels a planned cover shoot of a topless Spears. She does, however, hear from Nickelodeon magazine.