I walked into Blockbuster on a mission. “Can I please speak to the manager?” I asked.
“I’m the manager,” answered the middle-aged fellow with the gentle smile.
“Hello,” I said as I extended my hand. “My name is Sonja and I used to have a boyfriend named Todd. He left this movie,” I held up the DVD The Rock as evidence. “I believe it is very overdue. That has to be the reason he is continuing to call days after he verbally chastised me in a Starbuck’s in front of several, several strangers. It was 8 a.m. and I’m not sure but I think it has to be one of their busiest times of the day—anyway, he verbally chastised and embarrassed me for trying to come up with a solution to a problem he was having. It had nothing at all to do with me, mind you—um, I’m sorry, what is your name?”
“Chuck,” he answered.
“Yes, Chuck, forgive me, how rude. Anyway, Chuck, he was going to be conducting an interview with a man who was flying in from Tucson, Arizona—have you ever been to Tucson, Chuck? Well, if you haven’t, you should go, it’s beautiful. As I was saying, we walked into Starbuck’s not five minutes after he had handed me a set of keys and said, ‘Here are your keys,’ and when I informed him that they were not my keys, he said, ‘They are your keys to my new house’. Well, I’m sure you can imagine my excitement. It was all I could do to keep from crying. I mean here’s a man who hasn’t been able to commit to me for a year and now out of the blue he’s handing me keys to his new house. I have to say that I’ve never felt closer to him. Like we were really making progress, you know?”
Chuck nodded.
“So while I’m standing in the very long line at Starbuck’s he’s pacing back and forth, talking on his cell phone to someone and he seemed a bit edgy. I was planning on buying because I was feeling so close and in love and all that stuff after receiving the keys to his house. And suddenly it dawned on me ... I don’t even know what kind of coffee he drinks. Does he like it cold, hot, blended, frozen, flavored? You’ve been to Starbuck’s, right Chuck? I mean the possibilities are endless.
“So I’m standing there and I’m panicking because I’ve made such a big deal out of being in love with him and him not being able to commit and I don’t even know how he takes his coffee—and suddenly I’m mystified. I mean we go to the coffee shop a lot, how do I not know this? Suddenly, he comes right up to me and he’s completely aggravated and he says, ‘The guy I’m supposed to interview is already here! He’s at the airport!’
“So,” I answered, “have him take a cab to the golf course and meet you there. If you leave now you will make it there at the same time,” and I’m all smiles because I think I’ve just found the cure for cancer and he yells at me, ‘How many times do I have to tell you that my company does not reimburse!? He’s already paying his own airfare to fly down for the interview!’ And now, Chuck, people are staring.”
Chuck looks terrified.
“Um, OK, so you pick up the cab fare, what’s the big deal?” I offer. “And do you know what he says, Chuck?”
Chuck shakes his head.
“He says in a loud and very strained voice, ‘Why don’t you pay the cab fare? I’ll call him right now and tell him that you are going to pay the fifty bucks to get him to the golf course!’ And then as if a ton of bricks has fallen on my head I realize, this isn’t about the guy, or the cab fare or the fact that his company doesn’t remiburse and I somehow forgot that, this was about us. About him giving me the keys to his house. To his heart, he had invited me in and suddenly he wasn’t sure he’d done the right thing.”
“And then, Chuck, he yells, ‘I am not going to discuss this with you any longer!’ And with that, he turned and walked right out the door.”
Chuck’s mouth is agape.
“I know. He left me at Starbuck’s. I cried. Hard. So hard that I couldn’t even order my Grande, three pump, no water, soy, chai latte.”
“Oh, those are tasty,” said Chuck.
“Yes, Chuck, they are. But as I watched him walk out on me—again, as he has done so many times in the past after letting me in just a little, I made the decision that I am done trying to love him so much that it will be enough for the both of us. He may love me the best way he knows how, Chuck, but he also loves to draw me in and then push me away. This time, he pushed too hard. This time he finally succeeded. Maybe by giving me the keys to his house it was his way of saying he loved me without actually having to say it, but sometimes a girl wants to hear it. She wants to feel it. ”
I started to cry.
Chuck handed me a tissue.
“So, if you could please call him and let him know that I returned his stupid movie, a movie that I never, ever would have picked in a zillion years, I’d appreciate it. And, maybe you could tell him that he’s a big, dumb jerk too. That I loved him with all of my heart and even though I don’t know how he takes his coffee. If only he could show his love without immediately having to take it back.”
“I will,” answered Chuck.
As I left the video store I made a mental note. I decided that no matter how much I thought I loved Todd, it wasn’t enough love for both of us. And that I would not settle for a relationship with someone who lacks the capacity to love me without conditions, without fear and without public humiliation. And, last but not least, to send Chuck a thank you note and a Grande, three pump, no water, soy, chai latte.
Sonja writes about the ups and downs of relationships. Or is it the ins and outs?