"The other night, I was home, alone. I had just taken a bath and slipped into a cute linen skirt and a tank top from a sushi restaurant in Huntington Beach called Tuna Town. The pink letters on the front say, 'Eat my Tuna'. I lit some candles and thought about ordering a pizza. As I was lying on my bed watching TV, I glanced down at my shirt. I thought about the double entendre and suddenly got all tingly. I went to my secret hiding spot and pulled out my favorite toy. Candles lit, incense burning I started working myself into a mad frenzy." I pause for effect.
Nothing.
"So there I was, so close, so very close to ... well, you know. Anyway, I was doing such a banner job that I was even talking dirty to myself. I never talk dirty. But there I was so close to ecstasy when I heard myself say, 'Oh yes, love that, who's your mama? Don't stop, feels soooooooo ... OVER?'
"The batteries died. Right in the middle of the best time I'd had in a long time, I was squashed before reaching the finish line. And, the score was Pearl Rabbit, 1; Sonja, 0. Goose egg. Zippo. Zilch. I shook the rabbit and all it did was wiggle and smile its Pearl Rabbit smile. It was laughing at me. I was furious!"
"What did you do?" asked my therapist, not looking up from her doodle pad.
"I pulled on my skirt and ran out the door, car keys in one hand, flip-flops in the other. I was determined not to put a halt to my crusade. I drove to the Food King and just as I entered the parking lot it dawned on me—I didn't check to see what size batteries I needed. I couldn't very well ask the store clerk if she knew what size the Rabbit took. Although I was willing to bet she'd know. Every woman in America must own one, right? Well, if not, they should! But, I just didn't have it in me. So, I just sat there, taking it all in. This was the story of my life. Every time I get close to achieving my goals, to the grand finale, to the whole enchilada, something happens and I just stop."
"So you think the batteries dying right in the middle of your self-pleasuring session is a metaphor for your life?"
Duh!
"Do you think this has anything to do with your fear of failure?" she asks.
Um, hello? Have you been sleeping? What are you doodling over there? I have failed my whole life. I don't fear failure. I embrace it. If I didn't I'd still be married and not out here desperately seeking Mr. Right. How much am I paying her to sit and doodle and not listen to me?
"No." I answer, lacking the energy to express what had just gone through my head. I was afraid she'd start to think I might need her.
"Maybe you set yourself up for failure because you don't know what you would do if you actually got what you thought you wanted. So you find ways to stop yourself before getting the 'whole enchilada'?"
Oh. Puttin' some work in, huh, Doc?
"Maybe." I'm vague. She's on my dime.
"Your ex-husband is getting married tomorrow."
Oh. Is that tomorrow?
"How do you feel about that?" So, she had listened.
"Fine." I sit there. "Perfect." I stare at the floor. "Shitty." I start to cry.
Nothing. I sob even harder. My body convulses as I spit out partial thoughts, "It's been six years and he ... I thought, look, I've grown so much ... He was supposed to ... I've been working out! I can't believe!" sob, snort, boogey bubble ...
"That he didn't notice and come back to you?" She hands me a tissue box.
"No! I never—I'm not stupid! I didn't think he would ... Well, yes. Maybe there was a small part of me that held onto the idea that if I kept working on me, on getting better, stronger, that he'd ... you know? That maybe ... " I'm balling so hard my contact lens falls out. Crap. I hate putting those things back in.
"Congratulations! I'm so happy for you," she says, beaming.
I want to Sunday punch her. What in the hell is she so happy about?
"Do you realize that that is the first time you have ever admitted that? That is a huge step, Sonja. Don't you see? Now you've got new batteries. You are finally free to go forward toward the finish line. Nothing is holding you back. What a gift he has given you. Now you know he has gotten on with his life. It's your turn."
Oh. Cool.
"Do you know that you have continually picked men who were wrong for you, men who you knew to be wrong, because you were holding on to some slight hope that someday your ex would come back and you could start being happy again? Only, what you failed to realize is that the only reason you are happy today is because you left to work on yourself. You've evolved so much since we first met. So now, you are a complete package. You thought you were doing all this 'fixing' to get his attention? Well, everyone noticed. Everyone but you. You were unable to find Mr. Right, because you thought Mr. Used-To-Be Right was coming back. Now you are free. Isn't that wonderful?"
Deep.
"So, what are your plans for this new found freedom?" She asks, all smiles.
Batteries. Lots and lots of "D" batteries!