They say that if you can remember the '60s, you weren't there. The opposite is depressingly true of the '80s: They stubbornly inhabit our memory, Seagulls endlessly Flocking. This is thanks in large part to a cottage industry devoted to keeping that ridiculous decade alive, and when our culture finally collapses from its sheer triviality, you'll have a lot to answer for, Mike and Beth of Star 102.7-FM. Truth is, there were only 82 songs worth preserving from that era, few of which get aired on '80s stations, but all of which are enshrined on Rhino Records' four-disc box set, Left of the Dial: Dispatches from the '80s Underground. Only a couple have been worn thin by radio play (Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart"). The rest—to sample at random: "That's When I Reach for My Revolver" by Misson of Burma; "Ways to Be Wicked" by Lone Justice; "Rise" by Public Image Ltd.—will remind you that even a lousy decade can yield a few gems.
$64.98; www.rhino.com
Apply your own personal mark to steaks and burgers with this personalized barbecue branding iron. It's 14" long and can have up to three initials.
$89.95; www.skymall.com
Help your friends get their gonzo on with this set of 16 postcards by Ralph Steadman—the madcap British illustrator of Hunter Thompson's best works. These cards show the artist's breadth and depth, from biting political commentary to eerie landscapes to something titled "Camel with Boob." Camels are Christmasy, no?
$25; www.ralphsteadman.com
On the increasingly threadbare strip of Fremont just east of the Fremont Street Experience lies the narrow orange storefront of Don Yeyo Cigars—which are among the few cigars that are handmade in Las Vegas. "Other cigars smell like smoking your socks," John Sochor, one of the workers, explains. A cedar gift box of 25 cigars runs between $46 and $155—depending on the size of the stogies. Gamblers and pit bosses like them for their mild aroma. You will too.
510 E. Fremont; 702-380-8525
Vegas memorabilia is a mostly dubious arena in which to find good gifts ... but at Lost Vegas, there are plenty of great matches to choose from. The shop stocks a large line of vintage matchbooks from the heyday of casinos like Binion's, the Stardust and the Sands. Where else are you gonna find a matchbook from the Jai Alai Club at the MGM Grand ($5), or a Mustang Bridge Ranch book graced by a topless female centaur ($10)? The matchbooks generally go for between $15 and $40. So save the chintzy Sin City gifts for the people you really don't like. Give the myth of the Real Las Vegas to the people you love. (And just think—they go with the cigars.)
Lost Vegas Gambling Museum and Store
450 Fremont Street at Neonopolis; 702-385-1883
This little necklace—The Magellan Personal Air Supply—is the "world's first wearable air purifier" that's supposed to substantially reduce pollutants and germs and odors. It uses ionic wind technology to clean the air in front of you.
$125; www.skymall.com
The promise of the machine age—robots that clean the floors and cook dinner—is basically a bust. But at least there's a chair that will give you a back rub. It's the Panasonic Real Pro, and as soon as you slip between its plush black leather armrests, the Real Pro scans your height, shoulder width and spinal curvature. Then, with help from a cool-ass silver touchpad, it delivers the goods: Sweedish massage. Shiatsu. As hard or gentle as you like it. With surprising thoroughness, the chair works over your back, neck and shoulder, while the adjustable ottoman massages your lower legs. At $3,495 it ain't cheap, but in addition to giving a killer massage, the chair looks great, fit for would-be Kings of the World.
Brookstone
Fashion Show Mall; 650-2048
Give your Christmas tree a clear mandate of the people this year with the President George W. Bush ornament. Cast in the likeness of the leader of the free world, this glass bauble is undeniably creepy, regardless of your politics, but its sturdy construction means it will last four years longer than the John Kerry ornament that shattered when it reported for duty.
$56.90, including shipping and handling; www.conservativebookservice.com
From the company that brought you the Jimi Hendrix action figure comes the Elvis Presley Las Vegas action figure. Third in a series, the 6-inch doll shows the King in his fringe, beaded jacket, wailing into a mic. We're not sure what actions the doll is capable of, but we expect it somehow involves the pelvis.
$14.99; www.mcfarlane.com
The Silent Night Snore Stopper "looks like a wristwatch and is an easy and safe solution for your snoring ... when the tiny microphone detects snoring it sends safe electronic pulses to the wrist ... which will make you change positions and then the snoring stops." It has two "intensity levels."
$39.95; www.skymall.com
The online store of conservative magazine The National Review takes back the trend of making ironic action figures of public figures with their unironic toys of GOP luminaries like commentators Ann Coulter and Dennis Miller, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, ex-Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush and, of course, President George W. Bush (included in regular and "Top Gun" editions). The figures come with accessories and each spouts helpful catchphrases to shoot down the liberal media elites. Not for the pinko commies on your list.
$29.95; www.nrbookservice.com
The Lightweight Pet Stroller is enclosed by netting that allows you to take your spoiled house cat or old, disabled lap dog for a walk around the block. Better yet, the pet enclosure detaches and has a carry strap, in case you encounter some rough terrain or just feel like throwing Fluffy over your shoulder. Plus, it has a cover for shade, rust-proof steel frame and, most importantly should you accidentally let go at the top of a large, steep hill, a safety brake.
$129.95; www.skymall.com
It is a Christian holiday, after all. What better way to subtley and fashionably express one's spiritual commitment than a tie that contains the complete text of the Lord's Prayer? Light brown with dark brown writing. "Functional and affordable, our faith-filled ties share their heart everywhere they go."
$19.97; Family Christian Store
What to get the guy or gal who has everything, at least on this ol' third rock from the sun? How about something partially constructed out of another celestial rock? From Invicta—that's Latin for "Invincible"—comes its Lupah model, meteorite-dial timepiece, in either men's or unisex sizes. Their brilliant faces carved out of chunks of cosmic debris, these watches are sure conversation-starters that shimmer with the eternal mysteries of outer space. Both versions sport genuine alligator straps with contrast stitching—PETA activists should stick with Timex—though the price variance between the two is significant: The men's watch goes for $599.95 on ShopNBC, payable in five installments of $119.99. The unisex model goes for $1,199.97, split into five $239.99 payments.
ShopNBC.com, or call 1-800-884-2212.
For the '60s nostalgist in your life, consider the six-DVD, 12-episode retro delight, The Best of Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In. NBC's hilarious counterculture kaleidoscope reveals its age in the show's quaint production values, but not in its biting political satire, which still has sharp chompers in this contentious, war-time era. Revel in an adorably young, painted-bod Goldie Hawn, the ringie-dingie delights of Lily Tomlin, and the veeeerrrry interrrrrresting shtick of Artie Johnson, as well as timeless cameos by John Wayne, Sammy Davis Jr. and Richard Nixon, who famously declared, "Sock it to ME?" Extras include interviews with cast members. And enjoy the absurdity of this tidbit: While Nixon accepted the invitation to poke fun at himself, opponent Hubert Humphrey refused. Ain't that a Fickle Finger of Fate?
$99; acornonline.com; also call Acorn at 1-888-870-8047.
Isaac Bashevis Singer: Collected Stories. As one of less than a dozen Americans to ever win the Nobel Prize in Literature, Isaac Bashevis Singer would seem a natural for the Library of America series. But the catch is that Singer wrote almost entirely in Yiddish, and this three-volume set is the first in the prestigious series to consist of translations, albeit with translators like fellow Nobel winner Saul Bellow. Singer may have been the greatest short story writer to ever live, and the nearly 200 stories here show he was as prolific as he was gifted. Essential reading, beautifully presented.
$22; Amazon.com
BLEEP-FLASH-SCREEEEECH-SCREAAAAM-FLIP-BANK-FLIP-WHAM-BAM-SPANK THAT SUCKER RIGHT-UP-THE-RAMP-BOOMERANGING-OFF-THE-BUMPER-AND-SCOOOOORE! Pinball wizardry need no longer be confined to deaf, dumb and blind kids thanks to the Asteroid Pinball Machine, a miniature but realistic version of a classic for the arcade maniac on your gift list. The realistic ball action—we know, we've played it—bounces off of five slam-bang bumpers accompanied by eight whiz-bang sound effects, plus an LCD scoreboard for one or two players. With minimal assembly, Asteroid stands on sturdy legs to nearly duplicate the arcade experience, or it can be played tabletop-style. But remember: No fair tilting!
$99.95; www.GadgetUniverse.com, or call 1-800-429-0039.
The Authentic Hummer for children. For kids not accustomed to "Big Wheels", this 49"-long and 18"-high, foot-powered, mini yellow Hummer has working headlights, turn signals and an electronic engine sound.
$199.95; www.skymall.com
In a country allegedly concerned with "moral values," the most popular show on TV is Desperate Housewives, featuring adultery, drug abuse, murder and really skimpy outfits. Express your approval (or outrage) by joining the Neighborhood Watch on DH's central street, Wisteria Lane, with this Wisteria Neighborhood Street Watch T-shirt. Whether you'd like to give those desperate housewives a good ethical scrubbing, or would secretly rather join them yourself, this shirt expresses your feelings.
$20; www.glarkware.com
Have you ever gazed out at Red Rock Canyon and thought, Damn! I really wish I could do some grinds and ollies off that! Make your dreams a reality (and help a personal injury attorney put his kids through school) by picking up a Mongoose All-Terrain Board. Imagine a skateboard with fat tires, heavy-duty shocks and straps for your feet and you'll get the idea. Just be sure to have your friends videotape you for inclusion on the next episode of Viva La Bam.
$140-$320; www.mongooseatb.com
Contrary to popular rationalization, a messy desk is not the sign of a creative mind. It's the sign of someone who lacks the skills to get his shit together. Piles of old newspapers, stacks of old magazines, sedentary layers of old Post-It notes and petrified napkins from precambrian lunches—we're not saying that a person who keeps his desk like this deserves all those write-ups from the company Safety Committee, only that he's a damn slob. Luckily, organizational mavens Vickie Hansen and Marla Dee have come to the rescue with How to Organize Your Home with Style, a DVD primer on finding a place for everything and putting everything in its place. That's one stocking stuffed!
$19.95; www.myorganizedlife.com