"Sonja, someone has just sent you some flowers. They are up at my desk," said Susan, the sweet receptionist in my office.
Flowers? For me? Hmmm … curious. When I got to her desk, Susan was all smiles as she handed me the vase full of daisies. "Secret admirer?" she asked.
"Well, it couldn't be too secret, whoever sent them obviously knows that daisies are my favorite flowers," I answered as I opened the card. It read: "Just Be-Cuzz." Oh my hell, they were from The Todd. I knew because he'd given me daisies on our first date and the card said the same thing. What is he up to? I wondered.
It would be rude not to call and thank him. And rude isn't one of my strong suits, I don't think. So, I dialed the number that I'd committed to memory after a year of dialing it when he was my boyfriend. "This is Todd," he answered. I'd hoped it would just go to voicemail.
"Hi. It's me. Sonja," I said. The one you dumped over eight months ago at Starbucks when you caused a scene and yelled at me and made me cry and then walked out on me. You remember the one. "I just got the flowers. They are beautiful. Thank you." That is all I was willing to say; I didn't feel up to opening up a can of worms.
"You're welcome. I was just thinking about you and wanted to make you smile. Were you surprised?" he asked.
Surprised? Well, considering that you only gave me flowers once the entire time we were dating and couldn't ever muster the strength to tell me that you loved me, yes, I'd say I was a tad bit surprised.
"Yes. Thank you again. Bye," I said trying to be nice, but short and to the point.
"Wait a minute." Crap, he had more to say. "I just wanted to send you your favorite flowers because I want you to know that I've decided to court you again." What the ??? "I miss you, Sonja," he continued. "And I realize now what a huge mistake I made letting you get Andy Wangay and I'm going to show you this time that I mean business. I am ready to commit the rest of my life to you and your beautiful kids." Oh, you mean the kids you never had a conversation with?
"Todd," I said, "where is this coming from? You didn't 'let me get Andy Wangay', you walked Andy Wangay. You broke my heart and you walked out on me. And now suddenly you send some daisies and I'm supposed to just forget all about that? What are you? New? It's not going to happen, I'm sorry, but it's over." Damn. I'd opened the can of worms. Now there was no stopping him.
"You just wait and see, Sonja. I will win you back. I am a patient man and I am willing to work hard to get back into your heart." Great. Good luck with that whole thing.
When I pulled into my driveway, I was surprised to find another bouquet of flowers on my doorstep. This time the card said, "Come back to me. I've booked a flight for you. Just do it. Soon. I love you. Always have, always will. Forever, Jay."
Holy crap. It would be rude not to call and thank him. I did. It went pretty much the same as it did with The Todd. "I want you back, Sonja. I won't stop until I have you back in my arms again. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Thank you, but it's over, Jay. We have too many differences to overcome. I'm not moving out to Newport and I'm not going to have more children. It's not going to happen. I'm sorry, but it's over."
"I will wait. Once you get back out there you'll realize that no one could ever love you like I do and you'll call. I know you will." What the ???
The next morning, there was another soy chi latte on my doorstep with the added bonus of a birthday gift for my 14-year-old son. The card read: "Happy Birthday! These gift certificates should be enough to take your girlfriend to the movies and have popcorn on me!" It was signed, "Todd." I didn't want to be rude, so I called. I checked the mail; in it I found a card from Jay addressed to my son with a gift certificate for his favorite music store. Again, being rude isn't my strong point. I called.
When I got to my office, Susan called my desk again. "More daisies," she said. This time they were from Jay. I didn't call. When I got home, there was a 7- foot Douglas-fir Christmas tree on my doorstep. Well, well, well. Someone upped the ante. It was from Jay. The next day, there were more daisies—from The Todd. The next day more daisies from Jay along with a CD that he burned containing love songs that all had the same tone: Baby come back.
Isn't it funny? Last Christmas, I was crying my eyes out because Todd didn't love me and I was afraid no one ever would. This Christmas I am being inundated by cards, gifts, flowers and plane tickets by two men who couldn't get it together enough to make things work when given the chance. I had to stop the madness. Had to put an end to this lunacy once and for all.
I wrote them each a letter. In the letters I described in detail each and every gift I'd received and how thoughtful it was. I said that I was flattered by the effort, but that it was too little too late. I explained that I was moving on and suggested they do the same. And then I mailed them. To the wrong men. Todd would be receiving a letter listing all the gifts and heartfelt efforts from Jay and Jay would see that Todd had been matching his efforts every step of the way. It worked like a charm.
Come to find out ... being rude is one of my strong points. Now I have no cards, no gifts, no flowers and I've broken two hearts.
Merry f--king Christmas!
Sonja is a writer who covers the ins and outs of relationships. Or is it the ups and downs?