Remember when Disney only released animated films that were destined to become classics? Lesser films went straight to video and all seemed right with the world. Now, the silver screen has become host to lengthy, over-glorified episodes of Disney TV shows like Recess. The latest in that vein is Teacher's Pet, based on the short-lived series of the same name.
I must admit that I've never seen the television show. Apparently, it's won many awards. And the writers of the show and subsequent screenplay, Bill and Cherie Steinkellner, have certainly concocted an original plot.
Spot the dog (voiced by Nathan Lane), longs to be a boy and enlists the help of a mad scientist (Kelsey Grammer) to transform him. But the procedure results in Spot becoming a man rather than a boy (he forgot to take into account his age in dog years), and he subsequently attempts to romance his owner's mother to stay in the family.
The story unfolds at breakneck speed, as if designed to occupy children with the most extreme form of ADD. And the artwork is often so unattractive, it makes Rugrats cartoons look like they should be hanging in the Louvre. If Finding Nemo was a feast for the eyes, Teacher's Pet is a famine.
Young-enough children will probably enjoy the movie's constant barrage of absurdity. Parents might find one or two jokes clever enough to elicit a smile, but will most likely be feeling antsy by the film's mid-point, trying to pass the time by matching the many celebrity voices to the TV characters they play. I recognized Debra Jo Rupp from That '70s Show, Megan Mullally from Will and Grace and Kelsey Grammer from Frasier, to name a few. Of course, the film is supposed to be geared towards children, but with so many kids' films nowadays that appeal to the whole family, a kid flick that's torturous for adults seems a bit lazy.
As far as substance goes, the film's message is "appreciate yourself rather than trying to be something you're not," although it could just as easily be "bury your dreams and be what others want you to be." One of the movie's many forgettable songs does attempt to teach us something about the 50 states, but it goes too quickly to absorb anything. All I can remember is that Idaho has potatoes. Who knew?
But the film is not meant to educate. It is meant to make overly hyperactive children sit still for 90 minutes. Nevertheless, I'd say wait for video. After all, that's where this should've gone in the first place.